Friday, June 20, 2014

When I feel like drinking...

...it's usually because I feel like I'm losing control over some aspect of my life. Whether it's money, overbooking myself with obligations, stress or challenges at work, it feels the same.

When I'm craving a drink, it feels as though someone is pushing on my chest, holding me back. Anxiety takes my stomach and twists it, turns it, and pulls it down towards my navel, enticing me to vomit. Then I remember the numbing sensation of intoxicating drinks and I literally become thirsty. Sitting at my desk, in the car, or wherever, all I can think about is pouring something cool and wet down my throat.

Wine. That's what comes to mind next. Ohhhh a glass of wine would taste so good right now.

This is where I usually catch myself.

I fast-forward to the other side effects I experience after drinking copious amounts of wine or any other alcoholic beverage.
Nausea.
Vomiting.
Dizziness.
Slurred speech.
Confusion.
Indifference.
Sadness.
Loneliness.
Despair.
Frustration.
Anger.
Rage.
Hopelessness.

And then there's the hangovers. Oh. My. Word. Most of the time they were tolerable, but every once in a while the hangovers were incapacitating...usually when I forgot to drink water while boozing, or for some reason I blacked out the night before. Then, I run through some memories of particularly bad consequences from drinking too much. A black eye. Fights with friends. I engaged in a lot of behaviors drunk that I would have never done sober.

Some part of me wonders if it will ever get that bad again. Maybe I can drink alcohol safely now.

But I know that's just a fantasy - thinking that one day I can drink alcohol in a reasonable and controlled manner.  If I didn't have a serious problem with the stuff it wouldn't have been so hard to quit in the first place. The first 90 days of my sobriety were by far the worst days of my life. Daily I woke up tired, feeling as though life was too much work. The return-on-investment seemed non-existent... Life was a laborious and worthless process, something to be endured, not enjoyed. 

No matter how bad my days are, life is nowhere near as difficult as it was in the first 90 days of my sobriety. I just have to remember that and do a lot of work on my personal growth just in case the desire to drink sneaks up and takes me by surprise.