Will I EVER be Happy Again?!

Early sobriety sucks. 

Memories of my first 90 days in sobriety are sufficient motivation for me to not pick up a drink. I don't know if I would be willing to walk through that torturous emotional hurricane again. 

In the first three weeks, I woke up with panic attacks every night between 2 and 4 am.

When I woke up, the first thing that crossed my mind was whether I could get drunk or kill myself that day.

I was terrified all the time. 

Nothing was funny.  

I tried to convince my mom I could have one glass of wine with dinner. Because-after all-it was Thanksgiving...and everyone drinks wine on Thanksgiving. 

I obsessively wrote the serenity prayer in my journal during meetings.

Everywhere I went, I was sure everyone hated me. 

I didn't know who to ask for help.

I often cried at work and ran into the bathroom hoping nobody would see me. 

Then literally, on the 90th day, a switch flipped. 

On that particular day, I was working on the Coast Guard ship I was assigned to. (There was a brief period of time where I returned to the ship between my Captain's Mast and the day my therapist recommended I be temporarily reassigned to a shore unit.) It was a Friday and it had been an exceptionally long day for me. 

I had a headache from doing my hair up in a bun that was too tight. 

I felt drained emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

I was desperately lonely, wishing I had my parents in town to hug and reassure me instead of at their home 3,000 miles away.

I desperately wanted a drink.

Then I remembered something I was taught in rehab: H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

If you've never heard this acronym before, it is a way to check if you're meeting your physical and emotional needs before you run to pick up a drink. When a craving hits you, stop and ask, "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" If the answer is yes to ANY of the four, stop whatever you're doing and address that need immediately.

Since it was the end of the workday and all I had left to do was change out of my uniform and go home, I opted to roll over into my rack (military jargon for "bed") and take a nap. 

Four hours later, when I awoke, I felt physically different. The heaviness that had been resting so comfortably on my chest and shoulders for three months was GONE. I didn't feel anxious. I wasn't lonely or depressed.

And then, for the first time in many many months, I smiled.

In that moment of craving, I did the best possible thing for my sobriety:

I followed a suggestion that had been given to me.

People don't suggest you go to rehab or meetings for recovery programs (like AA, SMART, or LifeRing) because they want your money. Those programs are suggested so that you can learn ways to cope with your cravings without getting wasted. 

One of the most common concerns from people who are afraid to quit drinking is this: will I ever have fun again?

The answer is a resounding and assuring YES, although it may take a while. For me, it was 90 days before I had the first inkling that my life was about to improve. 

There are absolutely ways to be happy in sobriety. Just like it's absolutely possible to be miserable. Just because you get sober, your life isn't always filled with sunshine, puppies, sparkles, and unicorns. 

We learn how to keep sober through ALL the stuff that happens in life: break-ups, new relationships, death in the family, new baby, losing a job, getting a new job, and so on. And because life has many stages, and it just keeps changing, the learning process never ends. 

In the mornings, I choose to make a conscious effort to improve my life. For me, that starts with accepting that I'm an alcoholic. Then I have to accept that I have no control over the people, places, or things in my life EXCEPT for what happens in my own head. 

If I can remember these things, today might actually be a good day. 

Sober on Bourbon Street

I saw this shirt today and flipped out. It's like it was made just for me:

Because that is ME to a T. Haha - get it? I know...that was a terrible pun. I don't blame you if you stop reading now.

This is my first trip to New Orleans and (so far) I’m doing it stone-cold sober. On my way into town on the plane last night I suddenly flashed back to the first time I realized that those little tiny bottles of booze were less than 3 oz and could go in my quart-size ziploc bag in my carry-on. I was overjoyed at the idea of having alcohol on the plane for a third of the price the airline would charge me. ANY way to save money while drinking was money well-spent, and a good reason to drink. Hell, everything was a good reason to drink.

While I'm a naturally wacky, outgoing person to begin with, for a long time that had to be supplemented with alcohol when I was in a public space with a bunch of people I didn't know.  Everywhere I went, I was worried that people were judging me. How arrogant is that? To think that every stranger I meet is taking time to look at, observe, and make a judgment about me is incredibly self-centered. Most of the time, other people are not thinking about you. Really. They're not. They are thinking about the turkey they need to get for dinner, whether or not they remembered to do something important, or are ruminating over what drink to get next. 

And even if they were looking at, and thinking about you, why should that even matter? 

The moment I accepted "what other people think of me is none of my business" as a personal truth, I lost my fear of people and my self-diagnosed social anxiety subsided. 

Tonight I got up to "sing" karaoke and rocked out to P!nk for 3 minutes and 23 seconds without any regard for what people in the audience thought about my performance or my dress. Sure, before going up there I was a little nervous, and even dragged a girlfriend up with me. I paused briefly and let my fear go.

And then....it was time to rock out. To a drinking song, but hey, "Raise Your Glass" is kind of my anthem...

So if you're too school for cool

(I mean)

And you're treated like a fool

(You're treated like a fool)

You can choose to let it go

We can always, we can always party on our own

So many of P!nk's lyrics speak to me personally, and this one is no exception. The idea that you can choose to let go of the way other people treat you and think of you is not something that I ever REALLY believed in...until I got sober. Learning how to let go of that judgment is not easy, but also incredibly liberating. Once you realize that drama doesn't HAVE to impact you, there's nothing to stop you from having fun whenever you want!

As I danced down Bourbon Street tonight (regardless of whether or not we heard music) I realized that I have a great gift. As a result of working hard learning to love myself, I've given myself permission to cut loose in whatever way I see fit! Whether that's dancing down Bourbon Street, wearing a kissing sticker on my chest, or screaming along to a karaoke track, it doesn't matter.

All that matters is that I stay true to who I am and what I want.

When I try to mold myself to meet someone else's expectations, THEN I run into trouble! 

So let's raise our glasses to never limiting our radiance to blend in with others! 

p.s. P!nk - you're my hero :-)

x