My Overactive Chatter Brain

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!

This is a noise in my room. 

But it is also a noise in my head.

Sometimes, my thoughts feel like static.

...perhaps that's the real reason I started this blog...I just needed to find a way to spew out everything that's running through my mind and plaguing me...

Drinking also used to silence my mind. In the right amounts, alcohol allowed me to experience a relaxed mind and body.

Apparently not everyone has an overactive chatter brain, although it seems like my fellow recovering alcoholics are the people most likely to commiserate with me on this. 

I have noticed a few things about my physical and mental state when my brain is noisy and restless:

1. I'm having trouble staying "present" with my thoughts - I'm either living in the past or the future instead of the now.
2. There is too much stimuli in my life at that time - whether it be computers, Netflix, smartphone apps, or caffeine, they all have the same effect on my brain. 
3. I am stressed and I'm not using coping skills to deal with it. As a default, I turn to any source of stimuli (#2) I can find that will distract me from the REAL problems I'm facing. 

The more high-strung and worried  become, the more likely I am to give in to stimuli to cover-up and ignore my overactive brain. This, in turn, causes more problems. 

And so the cycle of addiction continues. 

In The Missing Piece of My Heart, I mentioned the downward spiral of addiction. The vicious cycle of drinking to forget the things you did the last time you were drunk. This mental obsession - over anything - CAN be broken. It's not easy, and the individual must be committed to a developing a new lifestyle. 

When caught up in my "overactive chatter brain", these are the tools that work best to stop the chaos:

1. Take a walk in nature. Walk slowly, feel how the earth moves under your feet, listen to the gentle noise of leaves rustling... There is no better way to re-connect with your soul than to connect with Mother Earth.
2. Exercise. Any form of physical exercise - whether strenuous or gentle - requires your focus and attention. Pay attention to your form and you'll get out of that crazy head of yours in NO time! 
3. Paint. I love artistic expression. It is the ultimate form of respecting my higher self and creative thoughts. 
4. Yoga. Part of the challenge of quieting the mind has to do with removing yourself from a distracting environment. Yoga studios are serene thus removing all unnecessary stimuli. 
5. Put your phone in a different room. No money for a Yoga class? How about you put your phone on silent somewhere COMPLETELY out of reach from you? Only for a short while. See what you can accomplish in 20 minutes, and notice if you feel any different. 
6. Eat a healthy meal with low-sodium. We consume FAR too much salt in our diets. Try cutting back. If your body feels better, your brain will too. 
7. Drink water. Most people don't consume enough water on a daily basis. We require a lot (especially if you drink coffee) since our bodies are mostly made up of water! If I have a headache, chances are that I'm not well-hydrated. 

What tools do you use?

Will I EVER be Happy Again?!

Early sobriety sucks. 

Memories of my first 90 days in sobriety are sufficient motivation for me to not pick up a drink. I don't know if I would be willing to walk through that torturous emotional hurricane again. 

In the first three weeks, I woke up with panic attacks every night between 2 and 4 am.

When I woke up, the first thing that crossed my mind was whether I could get drunk or kill myself that day.

I was terrified all the time. 

Nothing was funny.  

I tried to convince my mom I could have one glass of wine with dinner. Because-after all-it was Thanksgiving...and everyone drinks wine on Thanksgiving. 

I obsessively wrote the serenity prayer in my journal during meetings.

Everywhere I went, I was sure everyone hated me. 

I didn't know who to ask for help.

I often cried at work and ran into the bathroom hoping nobody would see me. 

Then literally, on the 90th day, a switch flipped. 

On that particular day, I was working on the Coast Guard ship I was assigned to. (There was a brief period of time where I returned to the ship between my Captain's Mast and the day my therapist recommended I be temporarily reassigned to a shore unit.) It was a Friday and it had been an exceptionally long day for me. 

I had a headache from doing my hair up in a bun that was too tight. 

I felt drained emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

I was desperately lonely, wishing I had my parents in town to hug and reassure me instead of at their home 3,000 miles away.

I desperately wanted a drink.

Then I remembered something I was taught in rehab: H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

If you've never heard this acronym before, it is a way to check if you're meeting your physical and emotional needs before you run to pick up a drink. When a craving hits you, stop and ask, "Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?" If the answer is yes to ANY of the four, stop whatever you're doing and address that need immediately.

Since it was the end of the workday and all I had left to do was change out of my uniform and go home, I opted to roll over into my rack (military jargon for "bed") and take a nap. 

Four hours later, when I awoke, I felt physically different. The heaviness that had been resting so comfortably on my chest and shoulders for three months was GONE. I didn't feel anxious. I wasn't lonely or depressed.

And then, for the first time in many many months, I smiled.

In that moment of craving, I did the best possible thing for my sobriety:

I followed a suggestion that had been given to me.

People don't suggest you go to rehab or meetings for recovery programs (like AA, SMART, or LifeRing) because they want your money. Those programs are suggested so that you can learn ways to cope with your cravings without getting wasted. 

One of the most common concerns from people who are afraid to quit drinking is this: will I ever have fun again?

The answer is a resounding and assuring YES, although it may take a while. For me, it was 90 days before I had the first inkling that my life was about to improve. 

There are absolutely ways to be happy in sobriety. Just like it's absolutely possible to be miserable. Just because you get sober, your life isn't always filled with sunshine, puppies, sparkles, and unicorns. 

We learn how to keep sober through ALL the stuff that happens in life: break-ups, new relationships, death in the family, new baby, losing a job, getting a new job, and so on. And because life has many stages, and it just keeps changing, the learning process never ends. 

In the mornings, I choose to make a conscious effort to improve my life. For me, that starts with accepting that I'm an alcoholic. Then I have to accept that I have no control over the people, places, or things in my life EXCEPT for what happens in my own head. 

If I can remember these things, today might actually be a good day. 

What To Do When God F*ks With You

Sometimes, when you don't give your life over to God*, he screws with you. 
*God, a term I use to describe the Universal Energy which is my Higher Power which is not affiliated with any one organization or religion.

But it's okay, right? Because it's in a loving way... the same way that your friends and family tease you incessantly about your character flaws. They wouldn't do it if they didn't love you. Or like when boys call you names and punch you in the arm because they like you. They're just trying to be friendly...

I really don't think that God is inherently mean-spirited, cruel, or unforgiving. My experiences have taught me that I can feel God's love, protection, and care at any time that I'm open to it. "Open to it" are the key words here. If I cross my arms, how am I supposed to pick up the package left for me by the FedEx delivery guy? 

The same (simple) rule applies to good luck, a.k.a. "gifts from God" or blessings. 

So, when I'm being particularly obstinate or difficult and ignoring signs from our angels and gifts from God or The Universe, I should expect to get a curve ball thrown at my head. It forces me to yank back, releasing my arms and letting go of the bat. I look at where the ball came from and yell "WTF, dude?!" 

Cease Fighting

At this point, I usually realize just how bad that accident could have been - and just how lucky I am in so many ways. Today I am alive, healthy, and safe. I have access to everything I could possibly need and more. 

Why should I be angry? 

I have to relinquish the idea that I have a justifiable reason to be angry about anything. When my life is put into sharp perspective, it's impossible to see myself as a victim of circumstance.

Clear Negativity

There's no room in my life for negativity. None. 

Sometimes I forget this and under stress start "venting" about absolutely everything, which is just a socially acceptable way of saying that I "gossip" or "bitch" about my frustrations. In this state, all I can do is spread more negativity. As I bitch and complain, I am filling anyone listening or overhearing with their own negativity. Maybe they dislike hearing my complaints, or they feel personally affronted on my behalf. 

Whatever their reaction - it's not their problem. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to stuff your feelings without acknowledging them.

It's normal and healthy to express feelings when upset. Dissecting negative thoughts and feelings with the help of a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or therapist lessens their grip on me. As a recovering alcoholic, this is pretty key for me. Decreasing the negative thoughts has a direct correlation to relieving myself of the desire to drink. 

That is what I consider to be the constructive manner of dealing with negativity. NOT venting.

Absorb Good Energy

Finding positive alternatives to the negative behavior is what helps me to truly eradicate the latter from my life and move on. 

I have seen, heard, and read multiple suggestions for how to bring in good energy. It may be different for you, but I'll share here the things that I do:

• Exercise
• Read spiritual literature
• Do a guided meditation
• Listen to live or archived radio shows on HayHouseRadio.com 
• Attend a religious service
• Attend a 12-step / self-help meeting 
• Call a friend or family member 
• Play with my dogs
• Walk in the park
• Art: painting / drawing
• Bake something to share or give away
• Send flowers, a handwritten letter, or a gift to someone "just because"

Basically, good energy is anything that comes from a loving, heart-centered space, such as giving of one's self without expecting or hoping for a reciprocal act of generosity. 


And if all else fails and that stuff seems like too tall of an order, just focus on one thing: Find something to be grateful for in your life. 

I'm perfectly imperfect, and that's perfectly okay.

My mind is split in two: me and my addict.  They both reside in that grey matter between my ears and they both give me advice.  It’s like the angel and demon over each shoulder, or the story about how you have to choose between feeding one of two wolves that live inside you.  Lately I’ve been seeing a lot more of the devilish, angry, addict side of my brain which is miserable and incorrigible.  I have been hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.  There is very little anyone can say or do to improve my mood when I am in that state of mind. 

On my way home from work this evening I thought about doing something to help myself fight the alcoholic mindset.  I thought about going to talk to other people suffering from the same condition.

"Oh, it's 5:28, I could make it to the 5:30."

"You'll be late."

"There's always that other place that starts at 5:45."

“No, don’t go. It’s time for dinner.”

“But I’m not really all that hungry. Plus I have a banana and a salad

 with me so I could eat those if I get hungry enough.”

"You don't have a fork."

"I can use my fingers."

“But you don’t want salad for dinner. You want steak. 

Go home and cook something substantial.”

“I really don’t want to cook tonight. Besides, 

the salad will go bad if I don’t eat it tonight.”

“You ought to go home and work on your book, 

or finish that TV episode you started watching during the carpool.”

“I can’t work my recovery in around my life. 

I have to work my life around my recovery.”

And with that last thought, I turned left instead of right and went to talk with a bunch of sober alcoholics about recovery for a little while.  During the discussion I flashed back to that internal debate in my car and realized that I was really glad I didn’t go home. It reminded me of all the “reasons” my addict mindset has used to lure me towards drinking again. 

So, for your entertainment value, welcome to the insane part of my mind which gives me…

10 (Not Really) Justifiable Reasons My Alcoholic Mind Wants Me to Drink

1) You should just try to have a glass of red wine. It’ll taste so good.

2) Some people think you’re not really an alcoholic. You should go out and relapse just to PROVE IT to them!

3) Since you never went to jail, had your stomach pumped, or got nabbed for a DUI, you really ought to go back out drinking.  No one is going to take your book seriously without those experiences.

4) You don’t want to write a book about alcoholism without having relapsed, do you?  I mean, what alcoholic hasn’t relapsed?

5) To really recover from being a perfectionist, you should intentionally screw up your sobriety.  For no reason.  Just go and have a drink.

6) You’ll feel better.  All this stress you’re carrying around will be lifted once you have a gin and tonic.

7) You’ve already been sober as long as you drank, surely you’ll be fine. 

8) You’re bound to screw this whole sobriety thing up eventually anyway…I mean, statistically how long can you possibly stay sober?  Why not just beat it to the punch?

9) The wine the priest serves during Holy Communion is totally okay because as soon as he blesses it, it transforms metaphorically into blood.  So… you’re not really drinking wine.  You should at least drink the wine at communion.  

10) The Coast Guard doesn’t control your life anymore.  You won’t lose your job if you go out drinking one night. 


I think my alcoholism might have a point on the last one. I might not lose my job today after one night...but I know myself and I have heard other peoples' stories of relapses. One night will become just the first of many many more.  It might take days, weeks, months, or even years to lose my job as a result of my drinking. Who knows? But it would only be a matter of time. 

Who knows if I would ever get sober again? 

I stand to gain nothing as a result of quitting "the sobriety thing" intentionally. 
I cannot overcome my fear of failure or obsession with perfectionism by giving up the very thing I'm afraid of failing.  
I have no power over whether other people will find credence in my self-proclamation of being an alcoholic. Therefore, I should certainly not try to prove it to them or "improve my credentials" by drinking more. 

Yeah, I may not do this sobriety thing perfectly, and I may not stay sober for the rest of my life, but that's no reason to stop trying.  

When I feel like drinking...

...it's usually because I feel like I'm losing control over some aspect of my life. Whether it's money, overbooking myself with obligations, stress or challenges at work, it feels the same.

When I'm craving a drink, it feels as though someone is pushing on my chest, holding me back. Anxiety takes my stomach and twists it, turns it, and pulls it down towards my navel, enticing me to vomit. Then I remember the numbing sensation of intoxicating drinks and I literally become thirsty. Sitting at my desk, in the car, or wherever, all I can think about is pouring something cool and wet down my throat.

Wine. That's what comes to mind next. Ohhhh a glass of wine would taste so good right now.

This is where I usually catch myself.

I fast-forward to the other side effects I experience after drinking copious amounts of wine or any other alcoholic beverage.
Nausea.
Vomiting.
Dizziness.
Slurred speech.
Confusion.
Indifference.
Sadness.
Loneliness.
Despair.
Frustration.
Anger.
Rage.
Hopelessness.

And then there's the hangovers. Oh. My. Word. Most of the time they were tolerable, but every once in a while the hangovers were incapacitating...usually when I forgot to drink water while boozing, or for some reason I blacked out the night before. Then, I run through some memories of particularly bad consequences from drinking too much. A black eye. Fights with friends. I engaged in a lot of behaviors drunk that I would have never done sober.

Some part of me wonders if it will ever get that bad again. Maybe I can drink alcohol safely now.

But I know that's just a fantasy - thinking that one day I can drink alcohol in a reasonable and controlled manner.  If I didn't have a serious problem with the stuff it wouldn't have been so hard to quit in the first place. The first 90 days of my sobriety were by far the worst days of my life. Daily I woke up tired, feeling as though life was too much work. The return-on-investment seemed non-existent... Life was a laborious and worthless process, something to be endured, not enjoyed. 

No matter how bad my days are, life is nowhere near as difficult as it was in the first 90 days of my sobriety. I just have to remember that and do a lot of work on my personal growth just in case the desire to drink sneaks up and takes me by surprise.