Are you lookin' at me?!

I once had a job where I felt like my boss was always talking down to me. He'd start all meetings with what felt like a grade-school  level summary about why we were there. Every facet was described in painstakingly explicit detail. 15 minutes later...or something like that... we'd actually get started.

One day, I complained about this to a co-worker. His response was, 

"Becky, did it ever occur to you that he does that for himself, and it has absolutely nothing to do with his opinion of you?"

No, of course it hadn't. 

It felt like such an obvious and egregious offense toward me, specifically.  He was treating me as a child for a reason. I was so caught up in these judgments that I failed to consider what other reasons he might have for speaking on such basic terms. 

So...it's not about me. Hmm. That's something new. 

This was not my first realization that I had a tendency to be selfish, although I've not ever been selfish in the same way most people generally think of that personality flaw. 

Remember, selfishness and self-pity are opposite sides of the same coin. 

I'm selfish because I naturally gravitate towards negative self-thinking. On a basic level, I think of myself as an annoying, awkward, unlikable person whom other people merely tolerate. As a result, I always assume that people's frowns, bad attitudes, or general disposition has something to do with me. In doing this, I allow my judgments about myself to influence my relationships with other people. 

Basically, I usually assume other people's thoughts, actions, and words revolve around me.
Which is totally self-centered and not true, btw. Most people are in fact thinking about themselves.  All the time.

So, to maintain my sanity, and adjunctly my sobriety, I have to find a way out of this selfish thought pattern. 

To do that, I have to establish a new thought pattern.

Today, I am choosing to not let that happen. 

Today, I choose to be happy with who I am. 

Today, I do not assume that other people are thinking about me. 

Today, I accept that other people's moods have nothing to do with me.

Today, I realize that other people's opinions of me are none of my business, OR my responsibility.  

Today, I am grateful for my sobriety. 

Today, I am overwhelmed with love from the community of sober friends surrounding me.

Today, I see beauty and synchronicity in all areas of my life.

There. That should do it! ... for today.

Pushing the Button

My long stride and hurried pace gets me to the intersection just a hair too late to cross. So I turn to my right and wait for the other crosswalk light to change.

In front of me, a petite anxious-looking woman pushes the crosswalk button two, three, four times in a row. The green arrow for traffic turns yellow and she pushes the crosswalk button again once more.

While crossing the street I wonder if she's trying to catch the same bus as me. After crossing the road, we both turn to our left to face the other crosswalk.

The anxious woman repeats her button-pushing process.

Doesn't she know that doesn't make the light change any faster? I wonder to myself as we walk between the white lines...

But then I realize I do the same thing now and again...but...why? Under what circumstances do I feel the need to push the button over and over? Why do I keep pressing the button, expecting a different result? It's slightly insane, doing the same thing over and over...

What it boils down to is that I don't trust that the button was working properly until I see the light change. So I push the button. Repeatedly.

But my message was received. The light was waiting for the right time to answer. If my light changed before the other streetlights completed their cycles, well, I could be very badly injured. The circuitry in the lights are programmed to acknowledge the message when the timing is right. Even though I want to cross the street immediately, the lights won't change until it's safe.  I have to trust something I don't see or understand.

It's a lot like a prayer or affirmation.

When I say a prayer or an affirmation, I am pushing a metaphorical button.  The universe hears my prayer but has to wait for all the other pieces to align. 

This is where I have to practice patience, which is not easy for me.  To learn patience I have to trust that my needs will be met, and if I don't get what I want then there's something better waiting for me that I had not anticipated.  It's easier to trust the process now because I've seen this very development happen several times in my life now. In the beginning, when I was developing my spiritual beliefs, I had to trust the word of others. I read a lot of books and took advice from different people until their words resonated with me. 

Every once in a while I feel insecure and backpedal until I reaffirm my belief system.  This is why I find it necessary to have regular spiritual practices to ground me and tap into my spiritual center. 

When I attain trust, I accept the fact that I have no power or influence on the people, places, or things in my life.  In doing so, I relieve myself of a huge burden.  It allows me to let go of responsibility for something that wasn't mine in the first place...and that leads to a very relaxed state of mind!