What DOES depression feel like?

Imagine for a moment...

...you are in complete darkness. There is no light, no sound, no wind, or smells. Holding your hand in front of your face, you see nothing. You speak but your voice fades away without echo.

Stepping forward to find a wall or a door, you trip over uneven ground.  But when you crawl back to find what made you trip, you feel only a surface as smooth as glass.

You try to stand to keep looking for an exit and somehow weights have been added to your body, pressing down on your shoulders. The added pressure throws you off balance and makes you feel weak. You try to knock them off, but your hands find only air. 

A long time passes as you struggle to walk, trip, and stand over and over again.  

You don't know how long you have been here. 

You don't know how long you will be here. 

You only know the quiet desperation ripping you apart from the inside...begging for it to end. 

You can only feel the utter loneliness in your soul created by the dark void around you. 

This is how depression felt to me. 

How do you explain that to someone? 

Struggles (like the invisible weights) create the sensation that our problems are unreal. We don't even know if we can trust what we felt because it's intangible with no obvious connection or cause. 

In a day and age where everything has to have evidence leading to a cause, how do we explain ourselves in a way that others will listen? 

Depression tells us we are totally alone and our situation is helpless. 

Not having evidence to the contrary, we believe it. And sometimes, we give up because there are only two ways out of the dark void:

1. Death
2. Asking for help

Why don't people ask for help?

When you're depressed, it's kind of like being on the reflective side of a one-way mirror... Other people can see and hear you, but you can't hear or see them. It's impossible to know if anyone can hear or see you...or if they even care. 

And what you don't know, you fear. So instead of imagining your friends and family hugging, loving, and supporting you - instead you imagine them as callous and indifferent towards your problems. You anticipate their judgment and critical gaze. 

Fear of the response of others, and not knowing how to verbalize and justify emotions are huge contributing factors which deter individuals from seeking help for depression. 

What can we do?

A lot, actually. 

First and foremost, stop judging people who seek mental health treatment. I mean, stop with both the negative and pitying statements. Pity implies that someone is weak and somehow less than you. That you see yourself as stronger or better than someone receiving mental health treatments. 

This could not be further from the truth. 

When you find out someone is getting help, congratulate them for taking that step. Acknowledge that it's challenging and takes a great amount of courage to ask for help. 

Give encouragement. Share your love. Empathize if you can. 
But do not be critical or pitying. 

Second, let's stop perpetuating this idea that success leads to happiness. 
Happiness comes from within. It's about accepting who you are, where you come from, how you live, and being grateful for it. 

Some days I feel completely inundated with distractions, advertisements, movies, music - all promoting this idea of:

"Do this! You'll have fun! You'll succeed at something and that will make you happy! Happiness is when you're the best, the smartest, the thinnest, the tannest..."

Blah blah blah... 

No.

Robin Williams's death was tragic, but he has taught the world something important through his suicide. 

Happiness is not determined by your level of success. 

Mental health problems cannot be fixed with the same mind that is sick. 

While we may perceive successful people as someone who "has it all" and has a happy life, that doesn't mean it's true because we can never really know the inner workings of someone else's mind. 


Third, you can share this message to raise awareness of what depression really feels like. 

Shine a light into the void so people know their negative self-talk is a lie. Show them they are not alone.

Reach out your hand so they can hold on to something real, and trust what they are beginning to see. 

Speak up about the reality of depression so all can hear you, even those trapped in the void. Tell them you're listening. Tell them about the phone number in the picture below, and tell them that they will listen too. 

Basically, be a friend. 

The Missing Piece of my Heart

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the notion of love.  

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I always thought that it had to be earned. So when my parents said, "We're so proud of you - you did a great job," or, "I love you, honey," I didn't believe them. More often than not, my response was "You have to say that, you're my parents."

It breaks my heart today to imagine how that must have hurt them. And in truth, it hurt me too.  I rejected their love and attention because I didn't feel that I deserved it and consequently reinforced my low self-esteem.

As a teenager, this lack of self-love manifested itself in many ways:

1. social anxiety
2. fear of flirting or dating
3. self-deprecating thoughts and words
4. depression
5. suicidal ideations
6. lack of genuine or heart-felt relationships
7. fierce independence
8. stubbornness
9. determination
10. judgement - of myself and others
11. isolation
12. diminished spirituality
13. anger and hate
14. impatience
15. restlessness

I was missing a piece of my heart...the piece that showed showed me how to love, appreciate, and accept myself.

When I started drinking, I forgot about the piece of my heart that was missing. Suddenly, I was cool, funny, happy, and relaxed. I didn't care what other people thought of me and I felt liberated.

But it didn't last long.

After a short while, I began to binge drink. Drinking any amount lowers your inhibitions, and binge consumption lowers them even more. I started to say and do things I'd never do sober. First, it was just minor stuff like swearing or ranting angrily about various issues. Then, as my tolerance grew and I drank more, my actions became more unpredictable. I drove drunk. I physically attacked people. I slept around. I ignored rules left and right and gave myself excuses.  

Nights out were immediately and invariably followed by emotionally painful days. They were so painful that I often drank to forget the things I did. 

And so the vicious cycle began:

I drank to forget the hole in my heart.  

The more I drank, the bigger hole became.

The bigger the hole, the more I had to drink to fill it up.

By the time I got into rehab, the hole felt like a canyon...a seemingly endless crevice in my soul that could never be made whole again.

A counselor at the treatment center tasked me with journaling for 5 minutes a day on something that I loved about myself. After day 1, all of my topics came from the suggestions of other clients. It took a long time, but this exercise started to change the way I saw myself. 

What helped me the most was actually a process very similar to a Catholic confession. I was open and honest with another (sober) person about what happened while I was drinking. I told her specific stories and we looked for times when I was being selfish or self-seeking. 

You might think that this process would only make me hate myself more. Yes, I hated the things I had done. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but that was only a temporary pain. Talking with a trusted friend actually normalized my drunken and careless behavior. She reminded me that I was not the only person to have said or done that "horrible awful no-good very bad thing" that I was so afraid to admit. 

She helped me to accept my flaws and mistakes as part of life. 

She showed me acceptance and forgiveness. 

She taught me that my past shaped the person I was becoming, but it did not define my quality of character.

She showed me how to love myself.

And the hole filled up. My heart became whole.

Through this process I learned that love is an omnipresent energy; it is everywhere. 

anxiety doesn't become me

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post called Pushing the Button. I talked about how important it is to trust the process. Today I remembered just how important this is as I have been struggling to trust the inevitable changes looming ahead for me. I realized that all of my concerns and worries were getting wrapped around me in a giant blanket of fear. I couldn't eat, I couldn't relax, even sleeping was stressful. 

I remembered that the keys to courage is learning how to keep moving forward in spite of the fear surrounding me. Here are some practical methods I use to acknowledge my fears and move forward without letting them control me.

1. Make a list. Or a spreadsheet.

      Usually when I'm wigging out like this, it's because I can't decide between two options, or I have too many thoughts to consider and remember. This will help you whether you're weighing two options or are afraid of everything. 
      I personally like spreadsheets for comparing things, or pairing actions with status updates, whatever. When I was looking at moving to be closer to work I estimated my cost of living in different towns by rent prices, pet deposits, commuting distances, approximate gas used per month, and toll costs. I compared these expenses for at least six different scenarios. Then I did it again for commuting on public transit. After that, my decision was easy.
      When I was trying to determine whether or not I was an alcoholic I made a list with two columns, one for reasons I was an alcoholic, and one for all the reasons I wasn't. What I found when I made the list was that all of the reasons I thought I wasn't an alcoholic were based on the opinions of other people....which brings me to...

2. Cross off any worries founded in the opinions of other people. 

     These are things we have no control over. People have minds of their own and we have no control over their thoughts and beliefs. If it's going to cause us agony, the only productive thing to do is to let it go. 

3. Group your fears by type according to people, money, love, and material belongings. 

    All fears stem from one of two ideas, "I'm not going to get what I want" or "I'm going to lose something I already have." It's easier to see which one each fear stems from when you group them like this.
    Go through your list and identify each item as fitting one of these two ideas. 

4. List actions you can take for every fear on your list. 

     As much as we like to think we are in complete control of our future, the fact is that other people exist in this world. While they may impact us, we have no idea how or when it will happen.
     What we can do includes anything on this list. Update your resume if you're afraid of losing a job. Hire an editor to work on your book's manuscript. Call a friend to ask for support with a difficult decision. 

5. Work on your to-do list, one fear at a time.

     Do not try to tackle everything at once. It like if you try to wash all of your clothes at once, the machine won't work because it's overloaded. The same principle applies. 
     Remember, put a big, fat line through each action once it's completed. 

6. Remember your FEARs are simply False Evidence Appearing Real. 

     "...notice and remind yourself that all fear, unless it involves rapidly moving weapons, teeth, or claws, is actually bullshit." ~ http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/23/fear-is-just-a-chemical/

But whatever you do, don't let your life be run by fear. 

Pushing the Button

My long stride and hurried pace gets me to the intersection just a hair too late to cross. So I turn to my right and wait for the other crosswalk light to change.

In front of me, a petite anxious-looking woman pushes the crosswalk button two, three, four times in a row. The green arrow for traffic turns yellow and she pushes the crosswalk button again once more.

While crossing the street I wonder if she's trying to catch the same bus as me. After crossing the road, we both turn to our left to face the other crosswalk.

The anxious woman repeats her button-pushing process.

Doesn't she know that doesn't make the light change any faster? I wonder to myself as we walk between the white lines...

But then I realize I do the same thing now and again...but...why? Under what circumstances do I feel the need to push the button over and over? Why do I keep pressing the button, expecting a different result? It's slightly insane, doing the same thing over and over...

What it boils down to is that I don't trust that the button was working properly until I see the light change. So I push the button. Repeatedly.

But my message was received. The light was waiting for the right time to answer. If my light changed before the other streetlights completed their cycles, well, I could be very badly injured. The circuitry in the lights are programmed to acknowledge the message when the timing is right. Even though I want to cross the street immediately, the lights won't change until it's safe.  I have to trust something I don't see or understand.

It's a lot like a prayer or affirmation.

When I say a prayer or an affirmation, I am pushing a metaphorical button.  The universe hears my prayer but has to wait for all the other pieces to align. 

This is where I have to practice patience, which is not easy for me.  To learn patience I have to trust that my needs will be met, and if I don't get what I want then there's something better waiting for me that I had not anticipated.  It's easier to trust the process now because I've seen this very development happen several times in my life now. In the beginning, when I was developing my spiritual beliefs, I had to trust the word of others. I read a lot of books and took advice from different people until their words resonated with me. 

Every once in a while I feel insecure and backpedal until I reaffirm my belief system.  This is why I find it necessary to have regular spiritual practices to ground me and tap into my spiritual center. 

When I attain trust, I accept the fact that I have no power or influence on the people, places, or things in my life.  In doing so, I relieve myself of a huge burden.  It allows me to let go of responsibility for something that wasn't mine in the first place...and that leads to a very relaxed state of mind!