“How does someone like you become an alcoholic?”
Growing up I was warned about the dangers of alcohol, but I also believed the lies of addiction. Alcoholics were supposedly weak, unintelligent, and lazy people. Those words didn’t describe me, so I thought it could never happen to me.
How Alcoholism Begins
The first time I drank, I did it to stop people from calling
me a “goody-two-shoes”. The drink was a
Southern Comfort and Cola mix. I wasn’t impressed, but drank it anyway and didn’t
get drunk.
From the beginning alcohol caused me to act out of character
and I often had regrets. Yet it never occurred to me that I could just not drink.
I always thought, “I’ll do better next time.” It would be years before someone
would tell me that mindset is a trademark characteristic of alcoholics…
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different
results.”
What Alcoholism Feels Like
Have you ever gone on a roller coaster and instantly
regretted it? You change your mind just as the ride begins and it cannot be
stopped.
That’s what my drinking was like.
I drank to manage stress. I drank to manipulate others. I drank to change my personality. I drank to get drunk. I drank to forget. I drank. I drank. I drank.
My alcoholism was characteristic of my environment. An officer in the U.S. Coast Guard, I embodied
the stereotypical sailor: drunk in port, hung-over at sea, and cursing in
between. Binge drinking and blackouts were my motto, and if you couldn’t keep
pace with me, I didn’t want to hang with you.
Not all alcoholics are binge drinkers, just like not all
musical instruments are made of brass. We have different habits, favorite
watering holes, family baggage, and psychiatric conditions. But we do have one
thing in common. We are powerless over our drinking once it starts… just like
the terrified roller coaster passenger.
The Desperation to Get Sober
As any therapist or addiction specialist will tell you, and addict has to want to get sober in order for treatment to do them any immediate good. If they're not desperate for change, the information gets tucked away in the back of their mind - and saved for a truly desperate moment.
At the end of my drinking, I didn’t want to get sober but I
didn’t want to keep living either. When I was awake I wanted to die, and when I
was drunk I was out of control. The combination terrified me. I couldn’t
understand my feelings because I knew deep down that I didn’t want to die.
My life was saved because I voiced these feelings. The Coast Guard placed me in psychiatric care. My mother and sisters flew 3,000 miles … Dad would check on me a few months later.
My life was saved because I voiced these feelings. The Coast Guard placed me in psychiatric care. My mother and sisters flew 3,000 miles … Dad would check on me a few months later.
While in the hospital being treated for depression, a
therapist interviewed me. She asked if I was willing to do anything it took to
change the way I felt. I said yes. She prober further adding, “Even if that
means not taking another drink for the rest of your life?”
And I said, “Yes.”
