What I was like

“How does someone like you become an alcoholic?”

Growing up I was warned about the dangers of alcohol, but I also believed the lies of addiction.  Alcoholics were supposedly weak, unintelligent, and lazy people. Those words didn’t describe me, so I thought it could never happen to me.

How Alcoholism Begins

The first time I drank, I did it to stop people from calling me a “goody-two-shoes”.  The drink was a Southern Comfort and Cola mix. I wasn’t impressed, but drank it anyway and didn’t get drunk.

After a few parties I realized how wonderful alcohol was. It relaxed me, making me feel socially invincible.  I relished the unfamiliar sensation of confidence and casually sought drinks at every opportunity.

From the beginning alcohol caused me to act out of character and I often had regrets. Yet it never occurred to me that I could just not drink. I always thought, “I’ll do better next time.” It would be years before someone would tell me that mindset is a trademark characteristic of alcoholics… “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

What Alcoholism Feels Like

Have you ever gone on a roller coaster and instantly regretted it? You change your mind just as the ride begins and it cannot be stopped.

That’s what my drinking was like.

I drank to manage stress. I drank to manipulate others.  I drank to change my personality.  I drank to get drunk.  I drank to forget. I drank. I drank. I drank. My alcoholism was characteristic of my environment.  An officer in the U.S. Coast Guard, I embodied the stereotypical sailor: drunk in port, hung-over at sea, and cursing in between. Binge drinking and blackouts were my motto, and if you couldn’t keep pace with me, I didn’t want to hang with you.

Not all alcoholics are binge drinkers, just like not all musical instruments are made of brass. We have different habits, favorite watering holes, family baggage, and psychiatric conditions. But we do have one thing in common. We are powerless over our drinking once it starts… just like the terrified roller coaster passenger.

The Desperation to Get Sober

As any therapist or addiction specialist will tell you, and addict has to want to get sober in order for treatment to do them any immediate good. If they're not desperate for change, the information gets tucked away in the back of their mind - and saved for a truly desperate moment.

At the end of my drinking, I didn’t want to get sober but I didn’t want to keep living either. When I was awake I wanted to die, and when I was drunk I was out of control. The combination terrified me. I couldn’t understand my feelings because I knew deep down that I didn’t want to die.

My life was saved because I voiced these feelings. The Coast Guard placed me in psychiatric care. My mother and sisters flew 3,000 miles … Dad would check on me a few months later. 

While in the hospital being treated for depression, a therapist interviewed me. She asked if I was willing to do anything it took to change the way I felt. I said yes. She prober further adding, “Even if that means not taking another drink for the rest of your life?”

And I said, “Yes.”

What DOES depression feel like?

Imagine for a moment...

...you are in complete darkness. There is no light, no sound, no wind, or smells. Holding your hand in front of your face, you see nothing. You speak but your voice fades away without echo.

Stepping forward to find a wall or a door, you trip over uneven ground.  But when you crawl back to find what made you trip, you feel only a surface as smooth as glass.

You try to stand to keep looking for an exit and somehow weights have been added to your body, pressing down on your shoulders. The added pressure throws you off balance and makes you feel weak. You try to knock them off, but your hands find only air. 

A long time passes as you struggle to walk, trip, and stand over and over again.  

You don't know how long you have been here. 

You don't know how long you will be here. 

You only know the quiet desperation ripping you apart from the inside...begging for it to end. 

You can only feel the utter loneliness in your soul created by the dark void around you. 

This is how depression felt to me. 

How do you explain that to someone? 

Struggles (like the invisible weights) create the sensation that our problems are unreal. We don't even know if we can trust what we felt because it's intangible with no obvious connection or cause. 

In a day and age where everything has to have evidence leading to a cause, how do we explain ourselves in a way that others will listen? 

Depression tells us we are totally alone and our situation is helpless. 

Not having evidence to the contrary, we believe it. And sometimes, we give up because there are only two ways out of the dark void:

1. Death
2. Asking for help

Why don't people ask for help?

When you're depressed, it's kind of like being on the reflective side of a one-way mirror... Other people can see and hear you, but you can't hear or see them. It's impossible to know if anyone can hear or see you...or if they even care. 

And what you don't know, you fear. So instead of imagining your friends and family hugging, loving, and supporting you - instead you imagine them as callous and indifferent towards your problems. You anticipate their judgment and critical gaze. 

Fear of the response of others, and not knowing how to verbalize and justify emotions are huge contributing factors which deter individuals from seeking help for depression. 

What can we do?

A lot, actually. 

First and foremost, stop judging people who seek mental health treatment. I mean, stop with both the negative and pitying statements. Pity implies that someone is weak and somehow less than you. That you see yourself as stronger or better than someone receiving mental health treatments. 

This could not be further from the truth. 

When you find out someone is getting help, congratulate them for taking that step. Acknowledge that it's challenging and takes a great amount of courage to ask for help. 

Give encouragement. Share your love. Empathize if you can. 
But do not be critical or pitying. 

Second, let's stop perpetuating this idea that success leads to happiness. 
Happiness comes from within. It's about accepting who you are, where you come from, how you live, and being grateful for it. 

Some days I feel completely inundated with distractions, advertisements, movies, music - all promoting this idea of:

"Do this! You'll have fun! You'll succeed at something and that will make you happy! Happiness is when you're the best, the smartest, the thinnest, the tannest..."

Blah blah blah... 

No.

Robin Williams's death was tragic, but he has taught the world something important through his suicide. 

Happiness is not determined by your level of success. 

Mental health problems cannot be fixed with the same mind that is sick. 

While we may perceive successful people as someone who "has it all" and has a happy life, that doesn't mean it's true because we can never really know the inner workings of someone else's mind. 


Third, you can share this message to raise awareness of what depression really feels like. 

Shine a light into the void so people know their negative self-talk is a lie. Show them they are not alone.

Reach out your hand so they can hold on to something real, and trust what they are beginning to see. 

Speak up about the reality of depression so all can hear you, even those trapped in the void. Tell them you're listening. Tell them about the phone number in the picture below, and tell them that they will listen too. 

Basically, be a friend. 

I'm Not THAT Stupid

The primary message I received about alcohol during school health classes and military alcohol awareness trainings was to “make good choices”. These lessons taught me that alcohol and substance abuse problems stemmed from a lack of willpower. 

Despite being repeatedly warned about how alcohol affects a person's judgment, I quickly dismissed the warnings. I never thought I could develop a problem because I always had excellent self-control and plenty of willpower. 

That won’t happen to me, I thought, I’m not that stupid.   

What I didn't know was that neither intelligence nor super self-control guarantees a person immunity from alcoholism.

I didn't learn any of this (really useful) information until I was already an active alcoholic.  

No one really knows what causes alcoholism

Doctors and specialists all over the world have spent decades studying addiction in general and alcoholism specifically. And while they know that alcoholism's development and progression are definitely impacted by a combination of genetic, social, cultural, and biological factors (source), no one can pinpoint a singular root cause.

And that includes willpower:

"Critics aside, it is a recognized medical position that a lack of willpower is not the cause of an addiction."

~ Addiction As Lack of Willpower, alcoholrehab.com

Alcoholism affects a wide variety of people 

Statistics show that alcoholism is not limited to any singular profession, socio-economic background, race, gender, religion, hair color, geographic location, or any other superficial attribute we typically use to identify ourselves. For evidence of this, Alcoholics Anonymous created a pamphlet with data collected during a voluntary survey to its' members in 2011.

Alcoholism manifests in people differently 

Not all alcoholics are homeless people who live under bridges. 

Not all alcoholics lose their home, spouse, children, or job. 

Not all alcoholics drink alone.

Hopefully, you get the picture.

Run a search for "questions to determine if I'm an alcoholic" and a few options will crop up. In many cases they will tell you that you don't have to answer every question with "yes" in order to be an alcoholic. 

For instance, I know a woman who consumed 2-drinks a day and never blacked out, whereas I drank sporadically and regularly experienced blackouts. Both scenarios will cause us to answer "yes" to different questions in this quiz by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. 

This 12-question quiz provided by Alcoholics Anonymous touts that you could have a problem with alcohol if you answer "yes" as few as four times.

SPREAD THE WORD

More people need to learn about alcoholism and addiction in a way that tells them they are NOT a bad or immoral person if they struggle with drugs or alcohol. Like most mental health issues, it is more common than most people realize, afflicting 17.6 million people (1 in every 12 adults). (FAQs/Facts, National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence) 

Do the math. Look at the number of people you are connected to on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or just in your daily life. Chances are, you know someone battling alcoholism.