What I was like

“How does someone like you become an alcoholic?”

Growing up I was warned about the dangers of alcohol, but I also believed the lies of addiction.  Alcoholics were supposedly weak, unintelligent, and lazy people. Those words didn’t describe me, so I thought it could never happen to me.

How Alcoholism Begins

The first time I drank, I did it to stop people from calling me a “goody-two-shoes”.  The drink was a Southern Comfort and Cola mix. I wasn’t impressed, but drank it anyway and didn’t get drunk.

After a few parties I realized how wonderful alcohol was. It relaxed me, making me feel socially invincible.  I relished the unfamiliar sensation of confidence and casually sought drinks at every opportunity.

From the beginning alcohol caused me to act out of character and I often had regrets. Yet it never occurred to me that I could just not drink. I always thought, “I’ll do better next time.” It would be years before someone would tell me that mindset is a trademark characteristic of alcoholics… “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

What Alcoholism Feels Like

Have you ever gone on a roller coaster and instantly regretted it? You change your mind just as the ride begins and it cannot be stopped.

That’s what my drinking was like.

I drank to manage stress. I drank to manipulate others.  I drank to change my personality.  I drank to get drunk.  I drank to forget. I drank. I drank. I drank. My alcoholism was characteristic of my environment.  An officer in the U.S. Coast Guard, I embodied the stereotypical sailor: drunk in port, hung-over at sea, and cursing in between. Binge drinking and blackouts were my motto, and if you couldn’t keep pace with me, I didn’t want to hang with you.

Not all alcoholics are binge drinkers, just like not all musical instruments are made of brass. We have different habits, favorite watering holes, family baggage, and psychiatric conditions. But we do have one thing in common. We are powerless over our drinking once it starts… just like the terrified roller coaster passenger.

The Desperation to Get Sober

As any therapist or addiction specialist will tell you, and addict has to want to get sober in order for treatment to do them any immediate good. If they're not desperate for change, the information gets tucked away in the back of their mind - and saved for a truly desperate moment.

At the end of my drinking, I didn’t want to get sober but I didn’t want to keep living either. When I was awake I wanted to die, and when I was drunk I was out of control. The combination terrified me. I couldn’t understand my feelings because I knew deep down that I didn’t want to die.

My life was saved because I voiced these feelings. The Coast Guard placed me in psychiatric care. My mother and sisters flew 3,000 miles … Dad would check on me a few months later. 

While in the hospital being treated for depression, a therapist interviewed me. She asked if I was willing to do anything it took to change the way I felt. I said yes. She prober further adding, “Even if that means not taking another drink for the rest of your life?”

And I said, “Yes.”

When you forget to wear pants to work...

A new teacher in Wagoner, OK was found sitting in an empty classroom on Monday, wearing no pants and smelling of alcohol. 

Note: The comments posted to articles on this event are on the whole - appalling. While I expected to see criticism about what she did, I was completely unprepared for the judgments on her appearance. Please don't torture yourself by reading their narrow-minded and rude remarks. It will waste time you can never get back. 

I don't care who you are, if you screw up this badly, there's a much bigger issue at play than just lack of common sense. 

Clearly, she's hurting. Both before and after this incident. 

I think we'd be hard-pressed to find a person who could withstand this level of public humiliation without showing a shred of embarrassment or shame.

My heart aches for this woman. The mental picture I have of her sitting alone at her desk reminds me of how lonely and depressed I felt at my lowest moment when drinking. She needs our love, support, and encouragement - not snide remarks. I'm pretty sure it will be a long time before she can look back on this day and laugh about it. 

What is it about kicking someone when they are down that seems like a good idea?

Why do people get such a perverse enjoyment from saying negative things about people they don't know?

While I could be wrong, I suspect the same motivations behind this type of cyber-bullying is what motivates kids who pick on others at school:

If I pick on her, I will make people laugh, because they laugh at those kinds of things, and that will make me cool.

If I protect her, everyone will think that I am like her and they will pick on me too. 

I don't want to be like her, so I should pick on her to show that we are not the same.  

The other (more plausible) reason people are saying bad things about her, is because she screwed up in such a big way that they cannot imagine how/why/when they would ever screw up as badly. 

I cannot tell you how many people I have met in recovery, myself included, who did things we SWORE we would never do. We did not aspire to say and do these things, but often times we looked back on our lives and said, "how did I let that happen?"

We did so because we were drunk and addicted to alcohol. 

I am not a bad, unintelligent, or callous person because of what I said and did while drinking. 

I am a person who has said and done bad, unintelligent, or callous things under the influence of alcohol. 

None of us are perfect. We make bad choices all the time. That's what makes us human and unique in this imperfect world! Without bad choices and consequences, how would we learn and grow? 

It's what we do after our mistakes that defines our character. 

Taking charge of our lives and owning our mistakes is hard. Mainly because we have been taught that we needed to be ashamed for bad choices. My thought is that we are perpetuating the idea that it isn't okay to be imperfect. While we don't want to screw up, we should not think badly of ourselves when things don't go as planned. 

I am human. I am allowed to make mistakes. If I was perfect, I would be an angel or some shit. 

SO, if we expect to be forgiven for our faults, we should be generous with forgiving others. 

Forgiveness is not condoning or endorsing the bad behavior of others. It's simply a way to acknowledge other peoples' right to be flawed. 

If it's too hard to forgive someone right away, start by being caring to the person. Offer to help someone you need to forgive by mowing their lawn or going to the store for them when they are sick. When you extend kindness of any kind without intent for reciprocation or praise, you are practicing forgiveness because literally, the word "forgive" comes from the word "forgifan" which means: to give. 

I guess I need to find a way to forgive the twats who said mean things about Mrs. Lorie Hill.

The Missing Piece of my Heart

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the notion of love.  

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I always thought that it had to be earned. So when my parents said, "We're so proud of you - you did a great job," or, "I love you, honey," I didn't believe them. More often than not, my response was "You have to say that, you're my parents."

It breaks my heart today to imagine how that must have hurt them. And in truth, it hurt me too.  I rejected their love and attention because I didn't feel that I deserved it and consequently reinforced my low self-esteem.

As a teenager, this lack of self-love manifested itself in many ways:

1. social anxiety
2. fear of flirting or dating
3. self-deprecating thoughts and words
4. depression
5. suicidal ideations
6. lack of genuine or heart-felt relationships
7. fierce independence
8. stubbornness
9. determination
10. judgement - of myself and others
11. isolation
12. diminished spirituality
13. anger and hate
14. impatience
15. restlessness

I was missing a piece of my heart...the piece that showed showed me how to love, appreciate, and accept myself.

When I started drinking, I forgot about the piece of my heart that was missing. Suddenly, I was cool, funny, happy, and relaxed. I didn't care what other people thought of me and I felt liberated.

But it didn't last long.

After a short while, I began to binge drink. Drinking any amount lowers your inhibitions, and binge consumption lowers them even more. I started to say and do things I'd never do sober. First, it was just minor stuff like swearing or ranting angrily about various issues. Then, as my tolerance grew and I drank more, my actions became more unpredictable. I drove drunk. I physically attacked people. I slept around. I ignored rules left and right and gave myself excuses.  

Nights out were immediately and invariably followed by emotionally painful days. They were so painful that I often drank to forget the things I did. 

And so the vicious cycle began:

I drank to forget the hole in my heart.  

The more I drank, the bigger hole became.

The bigger the hole, the more I had to drink to fill it up.

By the time I got into rehab, the hole felt like a canyon...a seemingly endless crevice in my soul that could never be made whole again.

A counselor at the treatment center tasked me with journaling for 5 minutes a day on something that I loved about myself. After day 1, all of my topics came from the suggestions of other clients. It took a long time, but this exercise started to change the way I saw myself. 

What helped me the most was actually a process very similar to a Catholic confession. I was open and honest with another (sober) person about what happened while I was drinking. I told her specific stories and we looked for times when I was being selfish or self-seeking. 

You might think that this process would only make me hate myself more. Yes, I hated the things I had done. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but that was only a temporary pain. Talking with a trusted friend actually normalized my drunken and careless behavior. She reminded me that I was not the only person to have said or done that "horrible awful no-good very bad thing" that I was so afraid to admit. 

She helped me to accept my flaws and mistakes as part of life. 

She showed me acceptance and forgiveness. 

She taught me that my past shaped the person I was becoming, but it did not define my quality of character.

She showed me how to love myself.

And the hole filled up. My heart became whole.

Through this process I learned that love is an omnipresent energy; it is everywhere. 

What To Do When God F*ks With You

Sometimes, when you don't give your life over to God*, he screws with you. 
*God, a term I use to describe the Universal Energy which is my Higher Power which is not affiliated with any one organization or religion.

But it's okay, right? Because it's in a loving way... the same way that your friends and family tease you incessantly about your character flaws. They wouldn't do it if they didn't love you. Or like when boys call you names and punch you in the arm because they like you. They're just trying to be friendly...

I really don't think that God is inherently mean-spirited, cruel, or unforgiving. My experiences have taught me that I can feel God's love, protection, and care at any time that I'm open to it. "Open to it" are the key words here. If I cross my arms, how am I supposed to pick up the package left for me by the FedEx delivery guy? 

The same (simple) rule applies to good luck, a.k.a. "gifts from God" or blessings. 

So, when I'm being particularly obstinate or difficult and ignoring signs from our angels and gifts from God or The Universe, I should expect to get a curve ball thrown at my head. It forces me to yank back, releasing my arms and letting go of the bat. I look at where the ball came from and yell "WTF, dude?!" 

Cease Fighting

At this point, I usually realize just how bad that accident could have been - and just how lucky I am in so many ways. Today I am alive, healthy, and safe. I have access to everything I could possibly need and more. 

Why should I be angry? 

I have to relinquish the idea that I have a justifiable reason to be angry about anything. When my life is put into sharp perspective, it's impossible to see myself as a victim of circumstance.

Clear Negativity

There's no room in my life for negativity. None. 

Sometimes I forget this and under stress start "venting" about absolutely everything, which is just a socially acceptable way of saying that I "gossip" or "bitch" about my frustrations. In this state, all I can do is spread more negativity. As I bitch and complain, I am filling anyone listening or overhearing with their own negativity. Maybe they dislike hearing my complaints, or they feel personally affronted on my behalf. 

Whatever their reaction - it's not their problem. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to stuff your feelings without acknowledging them.

It's normal and healthy to express feelings when upset. Dissecting negative thoughts and feelings with the help of a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or therapist lessens their grip on me. As a recovering alcoholic, this is pretty key for me. Decreasing the negative thoughts has a direct correlation to relieving myself of the desire to drink. 

That is what I consider to be the constructive manner of dealing with negativity. NOT venting.

Absorb Good Energy

Finding positive alternatives to the negative behavior is what helps me to truly eradicate the latter from my life and move on. 

I have seen, heard, and read multiple suggestions for how to bring in good energy. It may be different for you, but I'll share here the things that I do:

• Exercise
• Read spiritual literature
• Do a guided meditation
• Listen to live or archived radio shows on HayHouseRadio.com 
• Attend a religious service
• Attend a 12-step / self-help meeting 
• Call a friend or family member 
• Play with my dogs
• Walk in the park
• Art: painting / drawing
• Bake something to share or give away
• Send flowers, a handwritten letter, or a gift to someone "just because"

Basically, good energy is anything that comes from a loving, heart-centered space, such as giving of one's self without expecting or hoping for a reciprocal act of generosity. 


And if all else fails and that stuff seems like too tall of an order, just focus on one thing: Find something to be grateful for in your life. 

I'm perfectly imperfect, and that's perfectly okay.

My mind is split in two: me and my addict.  They both reside in that grey matter between my ears and they both give me advice.  It’s like the angel and demon over each shoulder, or the story about how you have to choose between feeding one of two wolves that live inside you.  Lately I’ve been seeing a lot more of the devilish, angry, addict side of my brain which is miserable and incorrigible.  I have been hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.  There is very little anyone can say or do to improve my mood when I am in that state of mind. 

On my way home from work this evening I thought about doing something to help myself fight the alcoholic mindset.  I thought about going to talk to other people suffering from the same condition.

"Oh, it's 5:28, I could make it to the 5:30."

"You'll be late."

"There's always that other place that starts at 5:45."

“No, don’t go. It’s time for dinner.”

“But I’m not really all that hungry. Plus I have a banana and a salad

 with me so I could eat those if I get hungry enough.”

"You don't have a fork."

"I can use my fingers."

“But you don’t want salad for dinner. You want steak. 

Go home and cook something substantial.”

“I really don’t want to cook tonight. Besides, 

the salad will go bad if I don’t eat it tonight.”

“You ought to go home and work on your book, 

or finish that TV episode you started watching during the carpool.”

“I can’t work my recovery in around my life. 

I have to work my life around my recovery.”

And with that last thought, I turned left instead of right and went to talk with a bunch of sober alcoholics about recovery for a little while.  During the discussion I flashed back to that internal debate in my car and realized that I was really glad I didn’t go home. It reminded me of all the “reasons” my addict mindset has used to lure me towards drinking again. 

So, for your entertainment value, welcome to the insane part of my mind which gives me…

10 (Not Really) Justifiable Reasons My Alcoholic Mind Wants Me to Drink

1) You should just try to have a glass of red wine. It’ll taste so good.

2) Some people think you’re not really an alcoholic. You should go out and relapse just to PROVE IT to them!

3) Since you never went to jail, had your stomach pumped, or got nabbed for a DUI, you really ought to go back out drinking.  No one is going to take your book seriously without those experiences.

4) You don’t want to write a book about alcoholism without having relapsed, do you?  I mean, what alcoholic hasn’t relapsed?

5) To really recover from being a perfectionist, you should intentionally screw up your sobriety.  For no reason.  Just go and have a drink.

6) You’ll feel better.  All this stress you’re carrying around will be lifted once you have a gin and tonic.

7) You’ve already been sober as long as you drank, surely you’ll be fine. 

8) You’re bound to screw this whole sobriety thing up eventually anyway…I mean, statistically how long can you possibly stay sober?  Why not just beat it to the punch?

9) The wine the priest serves during Holy Communion is totally okay because as soon as he blesses it, it transforms metaphorically into blood.  So… you’re not really drinking wine.  You should at least drink the wine at communion.  

10) The Coast Guard doesn’t control your life anymore.  You won’t lose your job if you go out drinking one night. 


I think my alcoholism might have a point on the last one. I might not lose my job today after one night...but I know myself and I have heard other peoples' stories of relapses. One night will become just the first of many many more.  It might take days, weeks, months, or even years to lose my job as a result of my drinking. Who knows? But it would only be a matter of time. 

Who knows if I would ever get sober again? 

I stand to gain nothing as a result of quitting "the sobriety thing" intentionally. 
I cannot overcome my fear of failure or obsession with perfectionism by giving up the very thing I'm afraid of failing.  
I have no power over whether other people will find credence in my self-proclamation of being an alcoholic. Therefore, I should certainly not try to prove it to them or "improve my credentials" by drinking more. 

Yeah, I may not do this sobriety thing perfectly, and I may not stay sober for the rest of my life, but that's no reason to stop trying.  

I'm Not THAT Stupid

The primary message I received about alcohol during school health classes and military alcohol awareness trainings was to “make good choices”. These lessons taught me that alcohol and substance abuse problems stemmed from a lack of willpower. 

Despite being repeatedly warned about how alcohol affects a person's judgment, I quickly dismissed the warnings. I never thought I could develop a problem because I always had excellent self-control and plenty of willpower. 

That won’t happen to me, I thought, I’m not that stupid.   

What I didn't know was that neither intelligence nor super self-control guarantees a person immunity from alcoholism.

I didn't learn any of this (really useful) information until I was already an active alcoholic.  

No one really knows what causes alcoholism

Doctors and specialists all over the world have spent decades studying addiction in general and alcoholism specifically. And while they know that alcoholism's development and progression are definitely impacted by a combination of genetic, social, cultural, and biological factors (source), no one can pinpoint a singular root cause.

And that includes willpower:

"Critics aside, it is a recognized medical position that a lack of willpower is not the cause of an addiction."

~ Addiction As Lack of Willpower, alcoholrehab.com

Alcoholism affects a wide variety of people 

Statistics show that alcoholism is not limited to any singular profession, socio-economic background, race, gender, religion, hair color, geographic location, or any other superficial attribute we typically use to identify ourselves. For evidence of this, Alcoholics Anonymous created a pamphlet with data collected during a voluntary survey to its' members in 2011.

Alcoholism manifests in people differently 

Not all alcoholics are homeless people who live under bridges. 

Not all alcoholics lose their home, spouse, children, or job. 

Not all alcoholics drink alone.

Hopefully, you get the picture.

Run a search for "questions to determine if I'm an alcoholic" and a few options will crop up. In many cases they will tell you that you don't have to answer every question with "yes" in order to be an alcoholic. 

For instance, I know a woman who consumed 2-drinks a day and never blacked out, whereas I drank sporadically and regularly experienced blackouts. Both scenarios will cause us to answer "yes" to different questions in this quiz by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. 

This 12-question quiz provided by Alcoholics Anonymous touts that you could have a problem with alcohol if you answer "yes" as few as four times.

SPREAD THE WORD

More people need to learn about alcoholism and addiction in a way that tells them they are NOT a bad or immoral person if they struggle with drugs or alcohol. Like most mental health issues, it is more common than most people realize, afflicting 17.6 million people (1 in every 12 adults). (FAQs/Facts, National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence) 

Do the math. Look at the number of people you are connected to on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or just in your daily life. Chances are, you know someone battling alcoholism.

anxiety doesn't become me

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post called Pushing the Button. I talked about how important it is to trust the process. Today I remembered just how important this is as I have been struggling to trust the inevitable changes looming ahead for me. I realized that all of my concerns and worries were getting wrapped around me in a giant blanket of fear. I couldn't eat, I couldn't relax, even sleeping was stressful. 

I remembered that the keys to courage is learning how to keep moving forward in spite of the fear surrounding me. Here are some practical methods I use to acknowledge my fears and move forward without letting them control me.

1. Make a list. Or a spreadsheet.

      Usually when I'm wigging out like this, it's because I can't decide between two options, or I have too many thoughts to consider and remember. This will help you whether you're weighing two options or are afraid of everything. 
      I personally like spreadsheets for comparing things, or pairing actions with status updates, whatever. When I was looking at moving to be closer to work I estimated my cost of living in different towns by rent prices, pet deposits, commuting distances, approximate gas used per month, and toll costs. I compared these expenses for at least six different scenarios. Then I did it again for commuting on public transit. After that, my decision was easy.
      When I was trying to determine whether or not I was an alcoholic I made a list with two columns, one for reasons I was an alcoholic, and one for all the reasons I wasn't. What I found when I made the list was that all of the reasons I thought I wasn't an alcoholic were based on the opinions of other people....which brings me to...

2. Cross off any worries founded in the opinions of other people. 

     These are things we have no control over. People have minds of their own and we have no control over their thoughts and beliefs. If it's going to cause us agony, the only productive thing to do is to let it go. 

3. Group your fears by type according to people, money, love, and material belongings. 

    All fears stem from one of two ideas, "I'm not going to get what I want" or "I'm going to lose something I already have." It's easier to see which one each fear stems from when you group them like this.
    Go through your list and identify each item as fitting one of these two ideas. 

4. List actions you can take for every fear on your list. 

     As much as we like to think we are in complete control of our future, the fact is that other people exist in this world. While they may impact us, we have no idea how or when it will happen.
     What we can do includes anything on this list. Update your resume if you're afraid of losing a job. Hire an editor to work on your book's manuscript. Call a friend to ask for support with a difficult decision. 

5. Work on your to-do list, one fear at a time.

     Do not try to tackle everything at once. It like if you try to wash all of your clothes at once, the machine won't work because it's overloaded. The same principle applies. 
     Remember, put a big, fat line through each action once it's completed. 

6. Remember your FEARs are simply False Evidence Appearing Real. 

     "...notice and remind yourself that all fear, unless it involves rapidly moving weapons, teeth, or claws, is actually bullshit." ~ http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/23/fear-is-just-a-chemical/

But whatever you do, don't let your life be run by fear. 

How do we STOP school shootings?

The way we're going...school shootings will be nearly impossible to eradicate. 

In any scientific study you cannot select a single element of the environment and blame it as the sole cause of the problem being studied. The scientific process requires closely monitored and controlled experiments. Similarly, you cannot individually blame gun laws, security measures, mental heath assessments or treatment, video games, upbringing, bullying, or school environments for these murders. All of these factors play a role, and because each person is different, we cannot arbitrarily decide how much they each factor in. 

In a way, we are paralleling the shooter's mentality by making these judgments. 

Before you write me off, think about it. The shooter looks at a myriad of life problems and identifies a mass killing as the solution for them all. It's like that phrase about how when you have a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. In the United States we are trying to attribute one root cause to numerous school shootings, all with different attackers with their own life story and mental health problems.  

As a comparison, for anyone who is familiar with addiction and treatments, it's very common for the addict to seek out "the reason I became an addict" with the motivation being that "if I can fix that one thing, I can go back to drinking and using." The fact is, once you've turned that corner, you can't go back. It's like when a cucumber has been turned into a pickle. Pickles cannot return to being a cucumber. Furthermore, there is no singular cause that can be attributed to addiction. Like with the school shooting there are several contributing factors: family history, frequency of use, quantity used, mental state when using, emotional trauma, etc. Not a single one can be taken out of context and blamed as the sole reason for an individual developing an addiction. 

Perceiving mass murder as a viable solution to any problem is illogical. It indicates hopelessness and desperation. If we want to protect future generations from knowing this kind of homicide, we need to take an objective look at our society and analyze why these shooters felt so hopeless and desperate in the first place. 

It is easy to lose sight of the fact that these killers are people too, because they have done something irreversible and unforgivable on most accounts. But remembering that they are like us will be essential to working on this problem.

What can we do, collectively, to minimize the likelihood of hopelessness and desperation in the United States?

• Listen to people around you. 
• Acknowledge and appreciate the involvement and opinions of others, even if you don't agree with them. 
• Encourage and support programs that do community outreach in your area. (Such as Oakland Unite)
• Show kindness, even when it's difficult. 
• Have compassion for those you anger you, because they are suffering too. 

We cannot reliably predict the circumstances which will cause any random person to pack a rifle and ammunition to attack innocent people in a public venue...yet. 

We can make small changes in our lives to make the people around us feel safe, appreciated, and loved. That is a start in the right direction...for now.