My Overactive Chatter Brain

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!

This is a noise in my room. 

But it is also a noise in my head.

Sometimes, my thoughts feel like static.

...perhaps that's the real reason I started this blog...I just needed to find a way to spew out everything that's running through my mind and plaguing me...

Drinking also used to silence my mind. In the right amounts, alcohol allowed me to experience a relaxed mind and body.

Apparently not everyone has an overactive chatter brain, although it seems like my fellow recovering alcoholics are the people most likely to commiserate with me on this. 

I have noticed a few things about my physical and mental state when my brain is noisy and restless:

1. I'm having trouble staying "present" with my thoughts - I'm either living in the past or the future instead of the now.
2. There is too much stimuli in my life at that time - whether it be computers, Netflix, smartphone apps, or caffeine, they all have the same effect on my brain. 
3. I am stressed and I'm not using coping skills to deal with it. As a default, I turn to any source of stimuli (#2) I can find that will distract me from the REAL problems I'm facing. 

The more high-strung and worried  become, the more likely I am to give in to stimuli to cover-up and ignore my overactive brain. This, in turn, causes more problems. 

And so the cycle of addiction continues. 

In The Missing Piece of My Heart, I mentioned the downward spiral of addiction. The vicious cycle of drinking to forget the things you did the last time you were drunk. This mental obsession - over anything - CAN be broken. It's not easy, and the individual must be committed to a developing a new lifestyle. 

When caught up in my "overactive chatter brain", these are the tools that work best to stop the chaos:

1. Take a walk in nature. Walk slowly, feel how the earth moves under your feet, listen to the gentle noise of leaves rustling... There is no better way to re-connect with your soul than to connect with Mother Earth.
2. Exercise. Any form of physical exercise - whether strenuous or gentle - requires your focus and attention. Pay attention to your form and you'll get out of that crazy head of yours in NO time! 
3. Paint. I love artistic expression. It is the ultimate form of respecting my higher self and creative thoughts. 
4. Yoga. Part of the challenge of quieting the mind has to do with removing yourself from a distracting environment. Yoga studios are serene thus removing all unnecessary stimuli. 
5. Put your phone in a different room. No money for a Yoga class? How about you put your phone on silent somewhere COMPLETELY out of reach from you? Only for a short while. See what you can accomplish in 20 minutes, and notice if you feel any different. 
6. Eat a healthy meal with low-sodium. We consume FAR too much salt in our diets. Try cutting back. If your body feels better, your brain will too. 
7. Drink water. Most people don't consume enough water on a daily basis. We require a lot (especially if you drink coffee) since our bodies are mostly made up of water! If I have a headache, chances are that I'm not well-hydrated. 

What tools do you use?

Listen for the Similarities, not the Differences

Obviously, a guy who rode a tricycle to a detox is an addict.
Clearly, the chick whose daughter caught her passed out in a car from an overdose has a problem. 
And the veteran who downs a fifth every single day needs some help.

...but me? I'm just a lonely 20-something who drinks when she's bored, alone, angry, sad, scared, happy, or for absolutely no reason at all. 

I've never killed anyone in a drunk driving accident.
I've never experienced homelessness. 
I've never even been arrested. 

How could I possibly be an alcoholic? 

In my first week of rehab, I struggled with this issue. Heavily. 

One night a fellow came to the treatment center to run one of our sessions. He was about my age, somewhere in his 20s, although maybe still a few years older than me. At the beginning, he told us about his experiences and I was dumb-struck. This clean-cut, very UC Berkeley looking, guy had been a high-rolling drug dealer before I had even finished college, 

Then he said something that really resonated with me. 

"I realized that if I wasn't an alcoholic, quitting drinking wouldn't matter to me. If someone told me today I couldn't eat pretzels the rest of my life, I'd be disappointed but I'd be like, 'Ok-whatever.' and move on... But alcohol... No it's too important to me. And that right there, is the moment I realized I was an alcoholic."

Just the thought of never drinking again made my heart race, and I identified with that part of his story. 

After that session I was done for the evening and was free to do what I wanted (within house rules of course). So I retreated to my dorm room with my notebook and journal to do the only logical thing I do when weighing a decision: to make a list. 

I created a simple table with two columns in my composition notebook. I labelled the left side "Reasons I'm NOT an alcoholic" and the right side "Reasons I AM an alcoholic" 

Then I spent the next 15-20 minutes just writing things down on either side of the list. For the right side, I consulted my notes and handouts from the previous seven days of group therapy and one-on-one sessions. 

Very quickly I realized that my lists were completely imbalanced. The reasons I thought I was not an alcoholic were weak...

"So-and-so doesn't think I'm an alcoholic."
"There's that one time I only had one drink all night."

...and worthless when compared to the reasons I was an alcoholic.

"It takes more than three drinks to get me buzzed and I have no idea how many get me drunk."
"I kept drinking even though I didn't want to."

and most importantly...

"Once I start drinking I cannot reliably predict what will happen or what I will do."

Until that night, I had been listening to peoples' stories all wrong. I heard the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, and WHERE of their drinking and using stories - but I was not listening to WHY or the HOW... you know, the really good parts. 

I heard the differences in our stories - not the similarities. 

I don't know that guy's name, where he's from or even if he's still clean and sober - but he made a difference in my life that night. And for that, I'm eternally grateful. 

What I was like

“How does someone like you become an alcoholic?”

Growing up I was warned about the dangers of alcohol, but I also believed the lies of addiction.  Alcoholics were supposedly weak, unintelligent, and lazy people. Those words didn’t describe me, so I thought it could never happen to me.

How Alcoholism Begins

The first time I drank, I did it to stop people from calling me a “goody-two-shoes”.  The drink was a Southern Comfort and Cola mix. I wasn’t impressed, but drank it anyway and didn’t get drunk.

After a few parties I realized how wonderful alcohol was. It relaxed me, making me feel socially invincible.  I relished the unfamiliar sensation of confidence and casually sought drinks at every opportunity.

From the beginning alcohol caused me to act out of character and I often had regrets. Yet it never occurred to me that I could just not drink. I always thought, “I’ll do better next time.” It would be years before someone would tell me that mindset is a trademark characteristic of alcoholics… “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

What Alcoholism Feels Like

Have you ever gone on a roller coaster and instantly regretted it? You change your mind just as the ride begins and it cannot be stopped.

That’s what my drinking was like.

I drank to manage stress. I drank to manipulate others.  I drank to change my personality.  I drank to get drunk.  I drank to forget. I drank. I drank. I drank. My alcoholism was characteristic of my environment.  An officer in the U.S. Coast Guard, I embodied the stereotypical sailor: drunk in port, hung-over at sea, and cursing in between. Binge drinking and blackouts were my motto, and if you couldn’t keep pace with me, I didn’t want to hang with you.

Not all alcoholics are binge drinkers, just like not all musical instruments are made of brass. We have different habits, favorite watering holes, family baggage, and psychiatric conditions. But we do have one thing in common. We are powerless over our drinking once it starts… just like the terrified roller coaster passenger.

The Desperation to Get Sober

As any therapist or addiction specialist will tell you, and addict has to want to get sober in order for treatment to do them any immediate good. If they're not desperate for change, the information gets tucked away in the back of their mind - and saved for a truly desperate moment.

At the end of my drinking, I didn’t want to get sober but I didn’t want to keep living either. When I was awake I wanted to die, and when I was drunk I was out of control. The combination terrified me. I couldn’t understand my feelings because I knew deep down that I didn’t want to die.

My life was saved because I voiced these feelings. The Coast Guard placed me in psychiatric care. My mother and sisters flew 3,000 miles … Dad would check on me a few months later. 

While in the hospital being treated for depression, a therapist interviewed me. She asked if I was willing to do anything it took to change the way I felt. I said yes. She prober further adding, “Even if that means not taking another drink for the rest of your life?”

And I said, “Yes.”

15 Signs You MIGHT Be An Alcoholic

You might be an alcoholic if...

1. Your friends have ever had to close out your bar tab for you because you passed out in a bathroom stall. 

2. You are relieved after you puke because that means you can drink EVEN MORE.

3. You pre-game before the pre-game ... and maybe you top things off with a nightcap. Or two. 

4. While nursing one glass, you're thinking about the next drink you want to order. 

5. You've ever tried to hide a black-eye you can't explain from the night before.

6. Morning afters usually require your friends to fill you in on all the silly/dramatic/angry/crazy sh*t you did the night before. 

7. Embarrassment or shame from your drunken activities makes you want to drink.

8. You drink to wake up.

9. You drink to celebrate, and to mourn, and to forget, and because it's Tuesday, and because ... sunshine.

10. Social situations are AWFUL ... unless you have a drink. 

11. It's difficult, if not impossible, to keep track of exactly how many drinks you have in a night. Or how many it takes to get you drunk. 

12. A friend has ever said they don't like you when you're drunk. 

13. You've ever thought "I just want this feeling to stop" while drinking and you kept drinking anyway. 

14. You do things you would never EVER do while sober. 

15. Hangovers and being drunk have ever made you late for, or mess up at, work. 

Notice, none of these had anything to do with:

• age
• race
• gender
• job description/status
• education level
• financial security
• hometown

So, while most Americans imagine alcoholics are homeless people wearing trenchcoats and carrying brown paper bags ... those are just the "Hollywood alcoholics".  

Alcoholism can affect anyone. 

Are you one of us? 

Take the test. 

What DOES depression feel like?

Imagine for a moment...

...you are in complete darkness. There is no light, no sound, no wind, or smells. Holding your hand in front of your face, you see nothing. You speak but your voice fades away without echo.

Stepping forward to find a wall or a door, you trip over uneven ground.  But when you crawl back to find what made you trip, you feel only a surface as smooth as glass.

You try to stand to keep looking for an exit and somehow weights have been added to your body, pressing down on your shoulders. The added pressure throws you off balance and makes you feel weak. You try to knock them off, but your hands find only air. 

A long time passes as you struggle to walk, trip, and stand over and over again.  

You don't know how long you have been here. 

You don't know how long you will be here. 

You only know the quiet desperation ripping you apart from the inside...begging for it to end. 

You can only feel the utter loneliness in your soul created by the dark void around you. 

This is how depression felt to me. 

How do you explain that to someone? 

Struggles (like the invisible weights) create the sensation that our problems are unreal. We don't even know if we can trust what we felt because it's intangible with no obvious connection or cause. 

In a day and age where everything has to have evidence leading to a cause, how do we explain ourselves in a way that others will listen? 

Depression tells us we are totally alone and our situation is helpless. 

Not having evidence to the contrary, we believe it. And sometimes, we give up because there are only two ways out of the dark void:

1. Death
2. Asking for help

Why don't people ask for help?

When you're depressed, it's kind of like being on the reflective side of a one-way mirror... Other people can see and hear you, but you can't hear or see them. It's impossible to know if anyone can hear or see you...or if they even care. 

And what you don't know, you fear. So instead of imagining your friends and family hugging, loving, and supporting you - instead you imagine them as callous and indifferent towards your problems. You anticipate their judgment and critical gaze. 

Fear of the response of others, and not knowing how to verbalize and justify emotions are huge contributing factors which deter individuals from seeking help for depression. 

What can we do?

A lot, actually. 

First and foremost, stop judging people who seek mental health treatment. I mean, stop with both the negative and pitying statements. Pity implies that someone is weak and somehow less than you. That you see yourself as stronger or better than someone receiving mental health treatments. 

This could not be further from the truth. 

When you find out someone is getting help, congratulate them for taking that step. Acknowledge that it's challenging and takes a great amount of courage to ask for help. 

Give encouragement. Share your love. Empathize if you can. 
But do not be critical or pitying. 

Second, let's stop perpetuating this idea that success leads to happiness. 
Happiness comes from within. It's about accepting who you are, where you come from, how you live, and being grateful for it. 

Some days I feel completely inundated with distractions, advertisements, movies, music - all promoting this idea of:

"Do this! You'll have fun! You'll succeed at something and that will make you happy! Happiness is when you're the best, the smartest, the thinnest, the tannest..."

Blah blah blah... 

No.

Robin Williams's death was tragic, but he has taught the world something important through his suicide. 

Happiness is not determined by your level of success. 

Mental health problems cannot be fixed with the same mind that is sick. 

While we may perceive successful people as someone who "has it all" and has a happy life, that doesn't mean it's true because we can never really know the inner workings of someone else's mind. 


Third, you can share this message to raise awareness of what depression really feels like. 

Shine a light into the void so people know their negative self-talk is a lie. Show them they are not alone.

Reach out your hand so they can hold on to something real, and trust what they are beginning to see. 

Speak up about the reality of depression so all can hear you, even those trapped in the void. Tell them you're listening. Tell them about the phone number in the picture below, and tell them that they will listen too. 

Basically, be a friend. 

What To Do When God F*ks With You

Sometimes, when you don't give your life over to God*, he screws with you. 
*God, a term I use to describe the Universal Energy which is my Higher Power which is not affiliated with any one organization or religion.

But it's okay, right? Because it's in a loving way... the same way that your friends and family tease you incessantly about your character flaws. They wouldn't do it if they didn't love you. Or like when boys call you names and punch you in the arm because they like you. They're just trying to be friendly...

I really don't think that God is inherently mean-spirited, cruel, or unforgiving. My experiences have taught me that I can feel God's love, protection, and care at any time that I'm open to it. "Open to it" are the key words here. If I cross my arms, how am I supposed to pick up the package left for me by the FedEx delivery guy? 

The same (simple) rule applies to good luck, a.k.a. "gifts from God" or blessings. 

So, when I'm being particularly obstinate or difficult and ignoring signs from our angels and gifts from God or The Universe, I should expect to get a curve ball thrown at my head. It forces me to yank back, releasing my arms and letting go of the bat. I look at where the ball came from and yell "WTF, dude?!" 

Cease Fighting

At this point, I usually realize just how bad that accident could have been - and just how lucky I am in so many ways. Today I am alive, healthy, and safe. I have access to everything I could possibly need and more. 

Why should I be angry? 

I have to relinquish the idea that I have a justifiable reason to be angry about anything. When my life is put into sharp perspective, it's impossible to see myself as a victim of circumstance.

Clear Negativity

There's no room in my life for negativity. None. 

Sometimes I forget this and under stress start "venting" about absolutely everything, which is just a socially acceptable way of saying that I "gossip" or "bitch" about my frustrations. In this state, all I can do is spread more negativity. As I bitch and complain, I am filling anyone listening or overhearing with their own negativity. Maybe they dislike hearing my complaints, or they feel personally affronted on my behalf. 

Whatever their reaction - it's not their problem. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to stuff your feelings without acknowledging them.

It's normal and healthy to express feelings when upset. Dissecting negative thoughts and feelings with the help of a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or therapist lessens their grip on me. As a recovering alcoholic, this is pretty key for me. Decreasing the negative thoughts has a direct correlation to relieving myself of the desire to drink. 

That is what I consider to be the constructive manner of dealing with negativity. NOT venting.

Absorb Good Energy

Finding positive alternatives to the negative behavior is what helps me to truly eradicate the latter from my life and move on. 

I have seen, heard, and read multiple suggestions for how to bring in good energy. It may be different for you, but I'll share here the things that I do:

• Exercise
• Read spiritual literature
• Do a guided meditation
• Listen to live or archived radio shows on HayHouseRadio.com 
• Attend a religious service
• Attend a 12-step / self-help meeting 
• Call a friend or family member 
• Play with my dogs
• Walk in the park
• Art: painting / drawing
• Bake something to share or give away
• Send flowers, a handwritten letter, or a gift to someone "just because"

Basically, good energy is anything that comes from a loving, heart-centered space, such as giving of one's self without expecting or hoping for a reciprocal act of generosity. 


And if all else fails and that stuff seems like too tall of an order, just focus on one thing: Find something to be grateful for in your life. 

I'm Not THAT Stupid

The primary message I received about alcohol during school health classes and military alcohol awareness trainings was to “make good choices”. These lessons taught me that alcohol and substance abuse problems stemmed from a lack of willpower. 

Despite being repeatedly warned about how alcohol affects a person's judgment, I quickly dismissed the warnings. I never thought I could develop a problem because I always had excellent self-control and plenty of willpower. 

That won’t happen to me, I thought, I’m not that stupid.   

What I didn't know was that neither intelligence nor super self-control guarantees a person immunity from alcoholism.

I didn't learn any of this (really useful) information until I was already an active alcoholic.  

No one really knows what causes alcoholism

Doctors and specialists all over the world have spent decades studying addiction in general and alcoholism specifically. And while they know that alcoholism's development and progression are definitely impacted by a combination of genetic, social, cultural, and biological factors (source), no one can pinpoint a singular root cause.

And that includes willpower:

"Critics aside, it is a recognized medical position that a lack of willpower is not the cause of an addiction."

~ Addiction As Lack of Willpower, alcoholrehab.com

Alcoholism affects a wide variety of people 

Statistics show that alcoholism is not limited to any singular profession, socio-economic background, race, gender, religion, hair color, geographic location, or any other superficial attribute we typically use to identify ourselves. For evidence of this, Alcoholics Anonymous created a pamphlet with data collected during a voluntary survey to its' members in 2011.

Alcoholism manifests in people differently 

Not all alcoholics are homeless people who live under bridges. 

Not all alcoholics lose their home, spouse, children, or job. 

Not all alcoholics drink alone.

Hopefully, you get the picture.

Run a search for "questions to determine if I'm an alcoholic" and a few options will crop up. In many cases they will tell you that you don't have to answer every question with "yes" in order to be an alcoholic. 

For instance, I know a woman who consumed 2-drinks a day and never blacked out, whereas I drank sporadically and regularly experienced blackouts. Both scenarios will cause us to answer "yes" to different questions in this quiz by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. 

This 12-question quiz provided by Alcoholics Anonymous touts that you could have a problem with alcohol if you answer "yes" as few as four times.

SPREAD THE WORD

More people need to learn about alcoholism and addiction in a way that tells them they are NOT a bad or immoral person if they struggle with drugs or alcohol. Like most mental health issues, it is more common than most people realize, afflicting 17.6 million people (1 in every 12 adults). (FAQs/Facts, National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence) 

Do the math. Look at the number of people you are connected to on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or just in your daily life. Chances are, you know someone battling alcoholism.