A fish, a bird, and a monkeybar.

Walking down the street I sensed that my life was about to change...drastically. To an onlooker, I was just a young woman who seemed to be having a bad day. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my pale face was pink from fighting back tears. 

Sobriety had been forced upon me about 4 months prior, and my problems still had yet to go away. I had had a choice, of course, an addict has to want to get sober - they cannot truly be forced into anything... I didn't want to quit drinking, but I was desperate. And when desperation meets alcoholism, willingness and recovery peek their bright little eyes around a corner and ask to join the conversation.

After a few months of stumbling around, going to rehab, attending self-help meetings, and seeing four different therapists - I still felt lost and confused. I was learning about alcoholism, but was no closer to figuring out how to solve my problems.

I need an explanation for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I need a plan, a roadmap, and specific instructions. In early recovery, I wanted to know how ALL my problems would end, when, and with what results. 

"Trust the Universe and it will work itself out," my new friends said.

...as if I was supposed to step forward into nothingness and believe that the road would magically appear under my feet! 

Yeah, right.

The reality was that my problems were a direct result of my drinking. They were conflicts that would take several people months to resolve. So even if I TRULY needed an answer, no one could give it to me. 

All I knew was that my life was going to change drastically, and it could happen at any moment. 

It wasn't until recently, when I stumbled across this quote from a Zen master that the advice from my new friends finally started to make sense. 

"A fish swims in the ocean, and no matter how far it swims, there is no end to the water. A bird flies in the sky, and no matter how far it flies, there is no end to the sky."

Dogen Zenji’s teaching, the Genjo Koan

A fish never runs out of water. A bird never runs out of air. There is always somewhere for the fish or the bird to go.

Why would my life as a human be any different?

The fish doesn't need to cross the entire ocean to know that it can keep swimming. 

The bird doesn't need to see over the horizon to know there is more air. 

I don't need to see the ENTIRE road laid out before me.

I may have to change course or walk on unpaved ground, but even if I hit a pothole, I will always be able to continue moving forward. 

I don't have to know where I'm going because the destination doesn't matter.

I just have to move!  

Waiting for a specific explanation is like climbing onto the monkeybars but not moving a finger. You have to let go of one hand and reach for another rung. Fear of the unknown tells us, 

"Lack, trial, and suffering are inevitabilities of life. If you let go, you will fall, get hurt, and be unhappy. Don't let go."

NOT letting go of the rung is when your life is controlled by fear. 

Letting go is what happens when your life is inspired by hope. When you trust your own strength, you discover how far you can really go. 

What DOES depression feel like?

Imagine for a moment...

...you are in complete darkness. There is no light, no sound, no wind, or smells. Holding your hand in front of your face, you see nothing. You speak but your voice fades away without echo.

Stepping forward to find a wall or a door, you trip over uneven ground.  But when you crawl back to find what made you trip, you feel only a surface as smooth as glass.

You try to stand to keep looking for an exit and somehow weights have been added to your body, pressing down on your shoulders. The added pressure throws you off balance and makes you feel weak. You try to knock them off, but your hands find only air. 

A long time passes as you struggle to walk, trip, and stand over and over again.  

You don't know how long you have been here. 

You don't know how long you will be here. 

You only know the quiet desperation ripping you apart from the inside...begging for it to end. 

You can only feel the utter loneliness in your soul created by the dark void around you. 

This is how depression felt to me. 

How do you explain that to someone? 

Struggles (like the invisible weights) create the sensation that our problems are unreal. We don't even know if we can trust what we felt because it's intangible with no obvious connection or cause. 

In a day and age where everything has to have evidence leading to a cause, how do we explain ourselves in a way that others will listen? 

Depression tells us we are totally alone and our situation is helpless. 

Not having evidence to the contrary, we believe it. And sometimes, we give up because there are only two ways out of the dark void:

1. Death
2. Asking for help

Why don't people ask for help?

When you're depressed, it's kind of like being on the reflective side of a one-way mirror... Other people can see and hear you, but you can't hear or see them. It's impossible to know if anyone can hear or see you...or if they even care. 

And what you don't know, you fear. So instead of imagining your friends and family hugging, loving, and supporting you - instead you imagine them as callous and indifferent towards your problems. You anticipate their judgment and critical gaze. 

Fear of the response of others, and not knowing how to verbalize and justify emotions are huge contributing factors which deter individuals from seeking help for depression. 

What can we do?

A lot, actually. 

First and foremost, stop judging people who seek mental health treatment. I mean, stop with both the negative and pitying statements. Pity implies that someone is weak and somehow less than you. That you see yourself as stronger or better than someone receiving mental health treatments. 

This could not be further from the truth. 

When you find out someone is getting help, congratulate them for taking that step. Acknowledge that it's challenging and takes a great amount of courage to ask for help. 

Give encouragement. Share your love. Empathize if you can. 
But do not be critical or pitying. 

Second, let's stop perpetuating this idea that success leads to happiness. 
Happiness comes from within. It's about accepting who you are, where you come from, how you live, and being grateful for it. 

Some days I feel completely inundated with distractions, advertisements, movies, music - all promoting this idea of:

"Do this! You'll have fun! You'll succeed at something and that will make you happy! Happiness is when you're the best, the smartest, the thinnest, the tannest..."

Blah blah blah... 

No.

Robin Williams's death was tragic, but he has taught the world something important through his suicide. 

Happiness is not determined by your level of success. 

Mental health problems cannot be fixed with the same mind that is sick. 

While we may perceive successful people as someone who "has it all" and has a happy life, that doesn't mean it's true because we can never really know the inner workings of someone else's mind. 


Third, you can share this message to raise awareness of what depression really feels like. 

Shine a light into the void so people know their negative self-talk is a lie. Show them they are not alone.

Reach out your hand so they can hold on to something real, and trust what they are beginning to see. 

Speak up about the reality of depression so all can hear you, even those trapped in the void. Tell them you're listening. Tell them about the phone number in the picture below, and tell them that they will listen too. 

Basically, be a friend. 

My bucket list

A friend of mine died recently. Before he left this plane, he said several times, "I have no regrets."

And as it sometimes happens when witnessing a sudden death like this, I began to ponder my own frail life. If doctors found terminal cancer in my vital organs and estimated I had a mere three weeks left to live, as they did with my friend, how would I live those three weeks? If I died in a car accident tomorrow, would I be afraid or would I be at peace?

Truth be told, I would definitely have regret if I died tomorrow. I am one of those people that keeps a bucket list. I even set New Years Resolutions and yearly goals for myself (though I don't necessarily achieve them). It seems like I let too many things get in the way of me actually completing the majority of my goals with work being the number one offender. I feel that in order to achieve more of these bucket list items I need to change the way I think about making plans, and the way I manage my time in general. Otherwise, 2014 is going to be just another year of hectic deadlines, running errands, fulfilling duties to earn money to pay the bills which I have as a result of just existing.

So here's to me working towards a few of my many bucket list/New Years goals:
   *establish a daily writing practice (for enjoyment - blog, short stories, poems, etc)
   *complete a book proposal before September 23
   *complete a first draft of my book
   *play more games and have more fun
   *spend more time outside
   *spend less time on Facebook
   *finish my paintings of Paris
   *fall in love

These are all things I will likely be writing about on this blog (along with my two adorable and sweet terrier dogs).

Wish me luck!