A fish, a bird, and a monkeybar.

Walking down the street I sensed that my life was about to change...drastically. To an onlooker, I was just a young woman who seemed to be having a bad day. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my pale face was pink from fighting back tears. 

Sobriety had been forced upon me about 4 months prior, and my problems still had yet to go away. I had had a choice, of course, an addict has to want to get sober - they cannot truly be forced into anything... I didn't want to quit drinking, but I was desperate. And when desperation meets alcoholism, willingness and recovery peek their bright little eyes around a corner and ask to join the conversation.

After a few months of stumbling around, going to rehab, attending self-help meetings, and seeing four different therapists - I still felt lost and confused. I was learning about alcoholism, but was no closer to figuring out how to solve my problems.

I need an explanation for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I need a plan, a roadmap, and specific instructions. In early recovery, I wanted to know how ALL my problems would end, when, and with what results. 

"Trust the Universe and it will work itself out," my new friends said.

...as if I was supposed to step forward into nothingness and believe that the road would magically appear under my feet! 

Yeah, right.

The reality was that my problems were a direct result of my drinking. They were conflicts that would take several people months to resolve. So even if I TRULY needed an answer, no one could give it to me. 

All I knew was that my life was going to change drastically, and it could happen at any moment. 

It wasn't until recently, when I stumbled across this quote from a Zen master that the advice from my new friends finally started to make sense. 

"A fish swims in the ocean, and no matter how far it swims, there is no end to the water. A bird flies in the sky, and no matter how far it flies, there is no end to the sky."

Dogen Zenji’s teaching, the Genjo Koan

A fish never runs out of water. A bird never runs out of air. There is always somewhere for the fish or the bird to go.

Why would my life as a human be any different?

The fish doesn't need to cross the entire ocean to know that it can keep swimming. 

The bird doesn't need to see over the horizon to know there is more air. 

I don't need to see the ENTIRE road laid out before me.

I may have to change course or walk on unpaved ground, but even if I hit a pothole, I will always be able to continue moving forward. 

I don't have to know where I'm going because the destination doesn't matter.

I just have to move!  

Waiting for a specific explanation is like climbing onto the monkeybars but not moving a finger. You have to let go of one hand and reach for another rung. Fear of the unknown tells us, 

"Lack, trial, and suffering are inevitabilities of life. If you let go, you will fall, get hurt, and be unhappy. Don't let go."

NOT letting go of the rung is when your life is controlled by fear. 

Letting go is what happens when your life is inspired by hope. When you trust your own strength, you discover how far you can really go. 

The Missing Piece of my Heart

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the notion of love.  

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I always thought that it had to be earned. So when my parents said, "We're so proud of you - you did a great job," or, "I love you, honey," I didn't believe them. More often than not, my response was "You have to say that, you're my parents."

It breaks my heart today to imagine how that must have hurt them. And in truth, it hurt me too.  I rejected their love and attention because I didn't feel that I deserved it and consequently reinforced my low self-esteem.

As a teenager, this lack of self-love manifested itself in many ways:

1. social anxiety
2. fear of flirting or dating
3. self-deprecating thoughts and words
4. depression
5. suicidal ideations
6. lack of genuine or heart-felt relationships
7. fierce independence
8. stubbornness
9. determination
10. judgement - of myself and others
11. isolation
12. diminished spirituality
13. anger and hate
14. impatience
15. restlessness

I was missing a piece of my heart...the piece that showed showed me how to love, appreciate, and accept myself.

When I started drinking, I forgot about the piece of my heart that was missing. Suddenly, I was cool, funny, happy, and relaxed. I didn't care what other people thought of me and I felt liberated.

But it didn't last long.

After a short while, I began to binge drink. Drinking any amount lowers your inhibitions, and binge consumption lowers them even more. I started to say and do things I'd never do sober. First, it was just minor stuff like swearing or ranting angrily about various issues. Then, as my tolerance grew and I drank more, my actions became more unpredictable. I drove drunk. I physically attacked people. I slept around. I ignored rules left and right and gave myself excuses.  

Nights out were immediately and invariably followed by emotionally painful days. They were so painful that I often drank to forget the things I did. 

And so the vicious cycle began:

I drank to forget the hole in my heart.  

The more I drank, the bigger hole became.

The bigger the hole, the more I had to drink to fill it up.

By the time I got into rehab, the hole felt like a canyon...a seemingly endless crevice in my soul that could never be made whole again.

A counselor at the treatment center tasked me with journaling for 5 minutes a day on something that I loved about myself. After day 1, all of my topics came from the suggestions of other clients. It took a long time, but this exercise started to change the way I saw myself. 

What helped me the most was actually a process very similar to a Catholic confession. I was open and honest with another (sober) person about what happened while I was drinking. I told her specific stories and we looked for times when I was being selfish or self-seeking. 

You might think that this process would only make me hate myself more. Yes, I hated the things I had done. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but that was only a temporary pain. Talking with a trusted friend actually normalized my drunken and careless behavior. She reminded me that I was not the only person to have said or done that "horrible awful no-good very bad thing" that I was so afraid to admit. 

She helped me to accept my flaws and mistakes as part of life. 

She showed me acceptance and forgiveness. 

She taught me that my past shaped the person I was becoming, but it did not define my quality of character.

She showed me how to love myself.

And the hole filled up. My heart became whole.

Through this process I learned that love is an omnipresent energy; it is everywhere. 

What To Do When God F*ks With You

Sometimes, when you don't give your life over to God*, he screws with you. 
*God, a term I use to describe the Universal Energy which is my Higher Power which is not affiliated with any one organization or religion.

But it's okay, right? Because it's in a loving way... the same way that your friends and family tease you incessantly about your character flaws. They wouldn't do it if they didn't love you. Or like when boys call you names and punch you in the arm because they like you. They're just trying to be friendly...

I really don't think that God is inherently mean-spirited, cruel, or unforgiving. My experiences have taught me that I can feel God's love, protection, and care at any time that I'm open to it. "Open to it" are the key words here. If I cross my arms, how am I supposed to pick up the package left for me by the FedEx delivery guy? 

The same (simple) rule applies to good luck, a.k.a. "gifts from God" or blessings. 

So, when I'm being particularly obstinate or difficult and ignoring signs from our angels and gifts from God or The Universe, I should expect to get a curve ball thrown at my head. It forces me to yank back, releasing my arms and letting go of the bat. I look at where the ball came from and yell "WTF, dude?!" 

Cease Fighting

At this point, I usually realize just how bad that accident could have been - and just how lucky I am in so many ways. Today I am alive, healthy, and safe. I have access to everything I could possibly need and more. 

Why should I be angry? 

I have to relinquish the idea that I have a justifiable reason to be angry about anything. When my life is put into sharp perspective, it's impossible to see myself as a victim of circumstance.

Clear Negativity

There's no room in my life for negativity. None. 

Sometimes I forget this and under stress start "venting" about absolutely everything, which is just a socially acceptable way of saying that I "gossip" or "bitch" about my frustrations. In this state, all I can do is spread more negativity. As I bitch and complain, I am filling anyone listening or overhearing with their own negativity. Maybe they dislike hearing my complaints, or they feel personally affronted on my behalf. 

Whatever their reaction - it's not their problem. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to stuff your feelings without acknowledging them.

It's normal and healthy to express feelings when upset. Dissecting negative thoughts and feelings with the help of a trusted friend, spiritual leader, or therapist lessens their grip on me. As a recovering alcoholic, this is pretty key for me. Decreasing the negative thoughts has a direct correlation to relieving myself of the desire to drink. 

That is what I consider to be the constructive manner of dealing with negativity. NOT venting.

Absorb Good Energy

Finding positive alternatives to the negative behavior is what helps me to truly eradicate the latter from my life and move on. 

I have seen, heard, and read multiple suggestions for how to bring in good energy. It may be different for you, but I'll share here the things that I do:

• Exercise
• Read spiritual literature
• Do a guided meditation
• Listen to live or archived radio shows on HayHouseRadio.com 
• Attend a religious service
• Attend a 12-step / self-help meeting 
• Call a friend or family member 
• Play with my dogs
• Walk in the park
• Art: painting / drawing
• Bake something to share or give away
• Send flowers, a handwritten letter, or a gift to someone "just because"

Basically, good energy is anything that comes from a loving, heart-centered space, such as giving of one's self without expecting or hoping for a reciprocal act of generosity. 


And if all else fails and that stuff seems like too tall of an order, just focus on one thing: Find something to be grateful for in your life. 

anxiety doesn't become me

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post called Pushing the Button. I talked about how important it is to trust the process. Today I remembered just how important this is as I have been struggling to trust the inevitable changes looming ahead for me. I realized that all of my concerns and worries were getting wrapped around me in a giant blanket of fear. I couldn't eat, I couldn't relax, even sleeping was stressful. 

I remembered that the keys to courage is learning how to keep moving forward in spite of the fear surrounding me. Here are some practical methods I use to acknowledge my fears and move forward without letting them control me.

1. Make a list. Or a spreadsheet.

      Usually when I'm wigging out like this, it's because I can't decide between two options, or I have too many thoughts to consider and remember. This will help you whether you're weighing two options or are afraid of everything. 
      I personally like spreadsheets for comparing things, or pairing actions with status updates, whatever. When I was looking at moving to be closer to work I estimated my cost of living in different towns by rent prices, pet deposits, commuting distances, approximate gas used per month, and toll costs. I compared these expenses for at least six different scenarios. Then I did it again for commuting on public transit. After that, my decision was easy.
      When I was trying to determine whether or not I was an alcoholic I made a list with two columns, one for reasons I was an alcoholic, and one for all the reasons I wasn't. What I found when I made the list was that all of the reasons I thought I wasn't an alcoholic were based on the opinions of other people....which brings me to...

2. Cross off any worries founded in the opinions of other people. 

     These are things we have no control over. People have minds of their own and we have no control over their thoughts and beliefs. If it's going to cause us agony, the only productive thing to do is to let it go. 

3. Group your fears by type according to people, money, love, and material belongings. 

    All fears stem from one of two ideas, "I'm not going to get what I want" or "I'm going to lose something I already have." It's easier to see which one each fear stems from when you group them like this.
    Go through your list and identify each item as fitting one of these two ideas. 

4. List actions you can take for every fear on your list. 

     As much as we like to think we are in complete control of our future, the fact is that other people exist in this world. While they may impact us, we have no idea how or when it will happen.
     What we can do includes anything on this list. Update your resume if you're afraid of losing a job. Hire an editor to work on your book's manuscript. Call a friend to ask for support with a difficult decision. 

5. Work on your to-do list, one fear at a time.

     Do not try to tackle everything at once. It like if you try to wash all of your clothes at once, the machine won't work because it's overloaded. The same principle applies. 
     Remember, put a big, fat line through each action once it's completed. 

6. Remember your FEARs are simply False Evidence Appearing Real. 

     "...notice and remind yourself that all fear, unless it involves rapidly moving weapons, teeth, or claws, is actually bullshit." ~ http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/23/fear-is-just-a-chemical/

But whatever you do, don't let your life be run by fear.