My Overactive Chatter Brain

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!

This is a noise in my room. 

But it is also a noise in my head.

Sometimes, my thoughts feel like static.

...perhaps that's the real reason I started this blog...I just needed to find a way to spew out everything that's running through my mind and plaguing me...

Drinking also used to silence my mind. In the right amounts, alcohol allowed me to experience a relaxed mind and body.

Apparently not everyone has an overactive chatter brain, although it seems like my fellow recovering alcoholics are the people most likely to commiserate with me on this. 

I have noticed a few things about my physical and mental state when my brain is noisy and restless:

1. I'm having trouble staying "present" with my thoughts - I'm either living in the past or the future instead of the now.
2. There is too much stimuli in my life at that time - whether it be computers, Netflix, smartphone apps, or caffeine, they all have the same effect on my brain. 
3. I am stressed and I'm not using coping skills to deal with it. As a default, I turn to any source of stimuli (#2) I can find that will distract me from the REAL problems I'm facing. 

The more high-strung and worried  become, the more likely I am to give in to stimuli to cover-up and ignore my overactive brain. This, in turn, causes more problems. 

And so the cycle of addiction continues. 

In The Missing Piece of My Heart, I mentioned the downward spiral of addiction. The vicious cycle of drinking to forget the things you did the last time you were drunk. This mental obsession - over anything - CAN be broken. It's not easy, and the individual must be committed to a developing a new lifestyle. 

When caught up in my "overactive chatter brain", these are the tools that work best to stop the chaos:

1. Take a walk in nature. Walk slowly, feel how the earth moves under your feet, listen to the gentle noise of leaves rustling... There is no better way to re-connect with your soul than to connect with Mother Earth.
2. Exercise. Any form of physical exercise - whether strenuous or gentle - requires your focus and attention. Pay attention to your form and you'll get out of that crazy head of yours in NO time! 
3. Paint. I love artistic expression. It is the ultimate form of respecting my higher self and creative thoughts. 
4. Yoga. Part of the challenge of quieting the mind has to do with removing yourself from a distracting environment. Yoga studios are serene thus removing all unnecessary stimuli. 
5. Put your phone in a different room. No money for a Yoga class? How about you put your phone on silent somewhere COMPLETELY out of reach from you? Only for a short while. See what you can accomplish in 20 minutes, and notice if you feel any different. 
6. Eat a healthy meal with low-sodium. We consume FAR too much salt in our diets. Try cutting back. If your body feels better, your brain will too. 
7. Drink water. Most people don't consume enough water on a daily basis. We require a lot (especially if you drink coffee) since our bodies are mostly made up of water! If I have a headache, chances are that I'm not well-hydrated. 

What tools do you use?

I'm perfectly imperfect, and that's perfectly okay.

My mind is split in two: me and my addict.  They both reside in that grey matter between my ears and they both give me advice.  It’s like the angel and demon over each shoulder, or the story about how you have to choose between feeding one of two wolves that live inside you.  Lately I’ve been seeing a lot more of the devilish, angry, addict side of my brain which is miserable and incorrigible.  I have been hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.  There is very little anyone can say or do to improve my mood when I am in that state of mind. 

On my way home from work this evening I thought about doing something to help myself fight the alcoholic mindset.  I thought about going to talk to other people suffering from the same condition.

"Oh, it's 5:28, I could make it to the 5:30."

"You'll be late."

"There's always that other place that starts at 5:45."

“No, don’t go. It’s time for dinner.”

“But I’m not really all that hungry. Plus I have a banana and a salad

 with me so I could eat those if I get hungry enough.”

"You don't have a fork."

"I can use my fingers."

“But you don’t want salad for dinner. You want steak. 

Go home and cook something substantial.”

“I really don’t want to cook tonight. Besides, 

the salad will go bad if I don’t eat it tonight.”

“You ought to go home and work on your book, 

or finish that TV episode you started watching during the carpool.”

“I can’t work my recovery in around my life. 

I have to work my life around my recovery.”

And with that last thought, I turned left instead of right and went to talk with a bunch of sober alcoholics about recovery for a little while.  During the discussion I flashed back to that internal debate in my car and realized that I was really glad I didn’t go home. It reminded me of all the “reasons” my addict mindset has used to lure me towards drinking again. 

So, for your entertainment value, welcome to the insane part of my mind which gives me…

10 (Not Really) Justifiable Reasons My Alcoholic Mind Wants Me to Drink

1) You should just try to have a glass of red wine. It’ll taste so good.

2) Some people think you’re not really an alcoholic. You should go out and relapse just to PROVE IT to them!

3) Since you never went to jail, had your stomach pumped, or got nabbed for a DUI, you really ought to go back out drinking.  No one is going to take your book seriously without those experiences.

4) You don’t want to write a book about alcoholism without having relapsed, do you?  I mean, what alcoholic hasn’t relapsed?

5) To really recover from being a perfectionist, you should intentionally screw up your sobriety.  For no reason.  Just go and have a drink.

6) You’ll feel better.  All this stress you’re carrying around will be lifted once you have a gin and tonic.

7) You’ve already been sober as long as you drank, surely you’ll be fine. 

8) You’re bound to screw this whole sobriety thing up eventually anyway…I mean, statistically how long can you possibly stay sober?  Why not just beat it to the punch?

9) The wine the priest serves during Holy Communion is totally okay because as soon as he blesses it, it transforms metaphorically into blood.  So… you’re not really drinking wine.  You should at least drink the wine at communion.  

10) The Coast Guard doesn’t control your life anymore.  You won’t lose your job if you go out drinking one night. 


I think my alcoholism might have a point on the last one. I might not lose my job today after one night...but I know myself and I have heard other peoples' stories of relapses. One night will become just the first of many many more.  It might take days, weeks, months, or even years to lose my job as a result of my drinking. Who knows? But it would only be a matter of time. 

Who knows if I would ever get sober again? 

I stand to gain nothing as a result of quitting "the sobriety thing" intentionally. 
I cannot overcome my fear of failure or obsession with perfectionism by giving up the very thing I'm afraid of failing.  
I have no power over whether other people will find credence in my self-proclamation of being an alcoholic. Therefore, I should certainly not try to prove it to them or "improve my credentials" by drinking more. 

Yeah, I may not do this sobriety thing perfectly, and I may not stay sober for the rest of my life, but that's no reason to stop trying.  

anxiety doesn't become me

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post called Pushing the Button. I talked about how important it is to trust the process. Today I remembered just how important this is as I have been struggling to trust the inevitable changes looming ahead for me. I realized that all of my concerns and worries were getting wrapped around me in a giant blanket of fear. I couldn't eat, I couldn't relax, even sleeping was stressful. 

I remembered that the keys to courage is learning how to keep moving forward in spite of the fear surrounding me. Here are some practical methods I use to acknowledge my fears and move forward without letting them control me.

1. Make a list. Or a spreadsheet.

      Usually when I'm wigging out like this, it's because I can't decide between two options, or I have too many thoughts to consider and remember. This will help you whether you're weighing two options or are afraid of everything. 
      I personally like spreadsheets for comparing things, or pairing actions with status updates, whatever. When I was looking at moving to be closer to work I estimated my cost of living in different towns by rent prices, pet deposits, commuting distances, approximate gas used per month, and toll costs. I compared these expenses for at least six different scenarios. Then I did it again for commuting on public transit. After that, my decision was easy.
      When I was trying to determine whether or not I was an alcoholic I made a list with two columns, one for reasons I was an alcoholic, and one for all the reasons I wasn't. What I found when I made the list was that all of the reasons I thought I wasn't an alcoholic were based on the opinions of other people....which brings me to...

2. Cross off any worries founded in the opinions of other people. 

     These are things we have no control over. People have minds of their own and we have no control over their thoughts and beliefs. If it's going to cause us agony, the only productive thing to do is to let it go. 

3. Group your fears by type according to people, money, love, and material belongings. 

    All fears stem from one of two ideas, "I'm not going to get what I want" or "I'm going to lose something I already have." It's easier to see which one each fear stems from when you group them like this.
    Go through your list and identify each item as fitting one of these two ideas. 

4. List actions you can take for every fear on your list. 

     As much as we like to think we are in complete control of our future, the fact is that other people exist in this world. While they may impact us, we have no idea how or when it will happen.
     What we can do includes anything on this list. Update your resume if you're afraid of losing a job. Hire an editor to work on your book's manuscript. Call a friend to ask for support with a difficult decision. 

5. Work on your to-do list, one fear at a time.

     Do not try to tackle everything at once. It like if you try to wash all of your clothes at once, the machine won't work because it's overloaded. The same principle applies. 
     Remember, put a big, fat line through each action once it's completed. 

6. Remember your FEARs are simply False Evidence Appearing Real. 

     "...notice and remind yourself that all fear, unless it involves rapidly moving weapons, teeth, or claws, is actually bullshit." ~ http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/08/23/fear-is-just-a-chemical/

But whatever you do, don't let your life be run by fear. 

When I feel like drinking...

...it's usually because I feel like I'm losing control over some aspect of my life. Whether it's money, overbooking myself with obligations, stress or challenges at work, it feels the same.

When I'm craving a drink, it feels as though someone is pushing on my chest, holding me back. Anxiety takes my stomach and twists it, turns it, and pulls it down towards my navel, enticing me to vomit. Then I remember the numbing sensation of intoxicating drinks and I literally become thirsty. Sitting at my desk, in the car, or wherever, all I can think about is pouring something cool and wet down my throat.

Wine. That's what comes to mind next. Ohhhh a glass of wine would taste so good right now.

This is where I usually catch myself.

I fast-forward to the other side effects I experience after drinking copious amounts of wine or any other alcoholic beverage.
Nausea.
Vomiting.
Dizziness.
Slurred speech.
Confusion.
Indifference.
Sadness.
Loneliness.
Despair.
Frustration.
Anger.
Rage.
Hopelessness.

And then there's the hangovers. Oh. My. Word. Most of the time they were tolerable, but every once in a while the hangovers were incapacitating...usually when I forgot to drink water while boozing, or for some reason I blacked out the night before. Then, I run through some memories of particularly bad consequences from drinking too much. A black eye. Fights with friends. I engaged in a lot of behaviors drunk that I would have never done sober.

Some part of me wonders if it will ever get that bad again. Maybe I can drink alcohol safely now.

But I know that's just a fantasy - thinking that one day I can drink alcohol in a reasonable and controlled manner.  If I didn't have a serious problem with the stuff it wouldn't have been so hard to quit in the first place. The first 90 days of my sobriety were by far the worst days of my life. Daily I woke up tired, feeling as though life was too much work. The return-on-investment seemed non-existent... Life was a laborious and worthless process, something to be endured, not enjoyed. 

No matter how bad my days are, life is nowhere near as difficult as it was in the first 90 days of my sobriety. I just have to remember that and do a lot of work on my personal growth just in case the desire to drink sneaks up and takes me by surprise.